Connected to previous post: Wellington College Tech Hui

The context: Well I can say that the Tech Hui was what I needed. I guess this may not be well known, but what I needed prior to the Tech Hui (and when I say prior, it may be weeks or months, I really don't remember... perhaps months) was an emotional opportunity. What I mean is, in terms of my career and all that jumbo - I'm O.K. I've got things set up for the coming months and interesting things for the summer and also interesting things for next year. I'm not saying that I have 'enough' opportunities, I'm just saying that life in that aspect is O.K. Physically I'm a bit tired, but nothing major. Psychologically I was very drained and it was affecting my mood, behaviour and mental processes. I was confused and overwhelmed (with what? I don't know) - of course, I recognised this from before...

What I'm annoyed with (in hindsight) is how I had recognised this trend and warning bells went off in my head to go talk to someone about it, but I just thought 'nah, everyone's busy and it's nothing'. So the decay 'half-life' was much much longer than any previous experience. By the time the holidays came and I went down to Wellington, I was tired - but ignored it to catch up with friends everyday - I don't regret that. Then that last night in Wellington I didn't sleep to finish writing the Digital Earth essay. Then came RYLA, which just absolutely drained the last of what I had - mentally first and then physically...well, not so much, but because I wasn't quite 'with it' in mind anymore, my body wasn't as courageous as it could be. I suppose I wasn't in a healthy-enough state of mind to be rediscovering myself in any sense. I kept looking and there was nothing. I kept looking and it seemed to just mess everything up and throw things out the window. I tried to reflect on it, to piece things together - I'll post it up soon, but I'm pretty sure it will sound like a mess.

The week following that I went back into the lab instead of resting. I shouldn't have done that. But there were some interesting results, so I guess it was sort of worth it. Mark made some interesting (true), yet slightly shocking comments. Then Uni started again. For two weeks I worked on the Hui speech and presentation. Cherrie Kong - international speaker, "Taking IT Global". What does that mean? I don't know. Audience - 100 Year 13 students? O.K. Had I ever presented to my peers before (in such number)? No. Had I always doubted my 'representation' of youth and this 'Net' generation? Yes. Inspire them? I'll try. Do I know anything? No - so make yourself the subject matter...O.K. But I don't want it to be about me... O.K. So I talked to heaps of friends about what they would like to see and talked to my sister as well, because apparently Uni students are a different breed altogether and apparently I use difficult words like 'congruence'. I should've spent less time on the presentation, but I couldn't stop thinking about it because I saw it as a HUGE thing - this is affecting the future generations directly - 100 youth all at once. Yet I'm all about personalisation - everyone needs a different message. How many can I fit in? All my previous 'speaking engagements' have been towards decision-makers...I didn't care about the Prime Minister of whatever country as much as I cared about getting the right message across for this. Why? I'm not sure - probably because I saw these 'kids' as being smarter... haha. Smarter, but definitely more malleable and open. So I had to very careful with what I say. I know, because I'm still child-like in that sense. I too am very easily affected by what people say, even when I know they're saying something stupid.

Anyhow, on coming to Wellington I suddenly found out that the speech I had been writing FOR STUDENTS, had to changed somewhat because there were other people going to be there. What? Other people? *sigh* -- did they want to hear the same old stuff again? I'm a constantly changing person, I really don't like saying the same old stuff again, whether or not I still believe it. Although I will - for the win-win ;). On coming to Wellington I was really tired. On coming to Wellington, I had way too many things on my mind.

The event: Well, I had no idea what to expect - the gear was definitely way flasher than I expected. It was colder than I expected. I expected it to be more cosy. The bright lights glaring at the 'stage' really set the audience apart from the speaker. It also meant that I couldn't see a bloody thing from where I was standing - I sort of hate that because then I can't see anyone's facial expression (except for the very front row). But I guess that could also be a good thing?!

I had rewritten chunks of my speech that Wednesday morning. (Why not Tuesday I hear you say? I couldn't handle the jandal, frankly). Fresh off the press (HP 1200), I rushed off the Wellington College and got there at about 11:30am. I'd grabbed Tiff's ASUS with all my stuff, which was super handy. Had added the extra code to Firefox to force tab opening. Sweet. The tech people were great and got my gear sorted. The Tech Crew boys were also super nice (so what, that abolishes the 'Coll boy' reputation? Haha) and pretty easy to get along with. Mind you, I sent some of them an email the other day and have yet to receive a reply. ACTUALLY, I sent off heaps of emails on Thursday night and have yet to receive any replies (except for David Murray, THANK YOU.) Mr. Pallin (Pallinator 2) was also there and he was lovely as per usual. I can't remember now, why I was so afraid of him before. He is so nice. Meh - I'm scared of everyone. Anyway, so the people there at this time were: Tech Crew, John, Raewyn, Olivia, Mike, Neil, Simon (from Contact). It was pretty cool - everyone got along really well (so I thought, anyway). The atmosphere was buzzing and it was great. People started arriving at 12:30pm ish I guess and that was also cool - Tech Angels in force in their "I (HEART) IT" tshirts (seriously guys, why don't I have one...), Ratty (it's our endearment, for those who aren't in the loop) was there too and that SOO excellent - she is just so lovely and I asked her about the Tech Angels and she seemed to have answers that I found more than adequate which was GREAT...i.e. she didn't avoid the question and give me some bull answer, not that I expected it, but sometimes people do that. I (re)met Airini, Raewyn's friend, who was ALSO super nice - unfortunate that we work at opposite ends of the Uni campus... well, different campuses really... I think we talked about my 'future career' plans and she said something interesting about how it was good my decision-making was a balance between intuition and information... which was a shocker to me because I hadn't realised that. I sort of thought I fell in the information box (although I have been trying to listen to my instincts more for a few years now...). Anyway, I wanted to ask about what she was doing, but 1) I never know when I'm intruding, 2) David came in a that point and distracted me I think....well, I wanted to see what he was talking about to make sure we didn't clash (David and I are tight, yo). There were other people who I'm sure I'd met before somewhere, but can't quite recall at this moment. I met Mrs Herrick, who I am SURE I've met somewhere before. Maybe Prizegiving or something? Anyway, everyone was just so blimmin' awesome and lovely, it was pretty cool. Oh, Rachel from NZCER was there (worrrd) and also David and Jill from CWA. Didn't talk to Jill (although she seems to type really fast and I'm wondering if the typing noises are on the videos...hahah), but David's always super cool as per usual.

The event started at 12:45pm. Matt Heard was the MC. I wonder if he's a debater or not, because he seems to have the Coll Boy debator 'air', which is a confidence in public-speaking 'air' and us Welly Girls don't seem to have mastered. *shudder at the last debate we had against Coll...* David and Simon went first (and I'm really sorry to David and Simon - I can't remember a lot of your speech because I had JUST discovered I'd lost a page of my speech and was busy trying to remember it all and then finally giving that up and borrowing Neil's laptop to grab it from Gmail...), but yay for 'be crappy'... hahah. Then it was mine and then it was Neil's. While I was up there, I forgot the time completely and couldn't work out if I was overtime or not. And I'm also a bit miffed at the fact that I was showing people all that groovy internet stuff at the end and then found out later that people were really interested in what Neil had to say about RSS, meaning they had no idea what I was talking about when I was talking about those technologies. Hmm. I just assumed they knew. Argh, what an ass, Cherrie! Then it was a break I think, where everyone got lunch boxes, which was SUPER cool because I hadn't had a lunchbox in like, 4 years. Oh yeah, after my speech I ran to the bathroom and I'd left the microphone on!!! What an ass!!! Sorry techy guy. I hope you don't have nightmares. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to see the student's presentations, which I'm a bit miffed about because I really wanted to see them and get a chance to chat with them. But Neil and I had to 'plan' the forum... I personally thought it was going to be a relaxed thing (coz I'm pretty quick with coming up with questions on the spot), but I'm glad Neil wanted a more structured and planned thing because by the time the actual forum came I was really tired and hadn't had lunch and I was just really happy he was doing the whole thing. But during the forum, there was a sort of bidding war for me and Neil and it was totally weird - I thought it was a weird way to stall for time, but nonetheless at least it's over now. I should probably say that none of the bids were real because I have yet to hear from anyone. Oh. What. A. Surprise. (yes, I'm still bitter at ALL THOSE PEOPLE who I have met in the past who have mentioned things that to them were 'in passing', but to me was the real deal - so stop your manipulatin'!) Then later, Natcoll had a presentation thing and then David did an intro for Murray Brown, which was pretty cool. I particularly enjoyed the phrase "Flickr - will it stay or will it flick out?" He is ALSO super nice, but he's still in the 'I'm scared of you' box. After the whole shadding thing (oh, also gave out those mouse pads and bookmarks some time...) there was more food, which unfortunately I didn't get a lot of (it's weird - no food in flat, go home where there's heaps of food, then be given free food at events in Wellington... ). BUT I did get some free lightbulbs!!! WOOHOO! Seriously. I want more. No I am SERIOUS. They're like $5.99 each from Foodtown. I am so serious... and they are more efficient than that other crappy brand that exists. Oh, also thank you everyone for the other gifts. Most unnecessary, but thank you very much nonetheless and I am very grateful for your thoughts.

Oh, Pallinator 1 was also there, so that was so great - hadn't seen her in ages! Apparently she's related to Howard G. Seriously, is your name Howard G or am I gettiing mixed up with the Backstreet Boys?

John drove Tiff and I home, which was great - thank you for that also and for every calm moment you bring in my life.

The aftermath: So it was a great day with many laughs. That's been said. It was also great for me to see the response of the students - the people I am supposed to have represented for years. I am glad to have been able to give something back to them - a little inspiration, a little support. I hope that it was worthwhile. The last thing I would want to do is to talk about me and not have it relate to them. The second to last thing I would want to do is to overwhelm them. But getting that little bit of feedback was great and it reminds me of why I do what I do - we have to educate the children and also rid them of sickness. Children and families and communities. Anyway, so that was effect one. Glad it was an inspirational thing both ways. But I also want to make sure that apart from being inspirational, I hope I emphasised the importance on reflecting on who you are and the reasons why you are doing the things you do.

The second outcome had a more pronounced remedial effect on my previous predicaments. Writing the speech was definitely a great reflection, a great search, a great feat to do on my own beyond many many standards. It put me in a rut because I was so confused. But having written my speech and having admitted to the rut, I was sort of primed for recovery. I was just looking for the right time to absorb. Now, this Tech Hui scenario - it is unique. There were people here who I've known really well for almost a lifetime to since 2003 to recently. But the bulk of whom I met during my Tech Angel year and whom I've become friends with (so I like to think...remember I'm an all-or-nothing type of gal, I don't know what acquaintance means). So these are the people who have been a part of my 'radical' change, who have been there to help me in one way or another - whether it be emotional support or advice for various situations or someone who'd listen or someone with whom to have cool discussions with. It was a 'radical' change in that I began to express my opinion. These people will no doubt sense this change and the changes in opinion over the years. Seeing all these friends, these smiling faces all at once immediately brought back so much meaning, relevance and a feeling of groundedness. I am so grateful for these people. It made me incredibly happy and humbled to know these people and to get time with them. These are awesome people. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Once again, I know I am always really hard on myself, which is why I get into strife. But it's also why I continue to push on and improve (hopefully). So I also have to be grateful for the fact that I can take (often unexpected events) such joy and such great lessons from life. So much about being a human being is to do with feeling uncertain about yourself and the rest of the world and how these two things are connected. It's almost unavoidable to feel disconnected sometimes when you're confused, weary and low in confidence. So many things you try will fail. You'll meet so many people. Cherrie, learn to embrace these people - you won't regret it.

Hey fellas - Tech Hui pretty awesome today, but pretty knackered right now - just got home - the shuttle cost $28 *!!! Can you believe it? It's like highway robbery out here... and the driver was all "well, the taxi will be over $50" and I'm like dude, you're either understanding and you gimme a discount or you act the hard bastard and take the 28 - don't waffle in between and try to be nice but take the money! Gees!!! What do you take me for?! But I actually quite enjoyed the ride through the suburbs and by the time we got to the city I was quite the happy camper and I told the man to have a nice night and to keep warm. Haha. I'm insane.

Recap Tech Hui later to talk about: 1) learnt stuff 2) ideas/projects stuff 3) people-met stuff

Oh, also must think about the proceedings of Tuesday 25. Most interesting. But don't know if I should make thoughts public - might shove too many feet in mouth. Not that I really care, but you know, you gotta think about other people sometimes. Insane.

*the last Air Bus had gone... what a stupid schedule - doesn't even deserve a rant

So I finally got around to forcing myself watch the DVD and grab some screen captures for your enjoyment. No closeups sorry, for respect of the others. :)
Goal: to mumble less and to speak with more articulation in general (i.e. normal conversation) and to speak without sounding so condescending (remember that not everyone has the same sense of humour!!)
Urgh, power surge means I can't remember the rest of the post that I was writing.
I searched WCIT on Flickr and found whurleyvision, who has taken quite a few good pictures of the conference.

APPARENTLY, the tutors' office got broken into and my lab report got STOLEN! I know!!! Well, it doesn't really matter in that I'll just email the tutor a PDF, but I mean, some moron out there thinks they can go through life stealing from other people. *sigh*

In other notes, I just remembered that at WCIT, the Octupus Card won the most innovative use of technology (or something, who really was listening)... but the point is... YAY Octupus Cards!! They are pretty schnazzy. Too bad I had to give up my lovely purple student one for the rainbow coloured adult one. Grr for oldness.

OMG and during the presentation, some delegate had a diabetic seizure. It was very scary, but the paramedics took a while to take care of him - I suppose to try and keep people from freaking out. But I had never seen anyone have a seizure before and it was quite interesting in that it IS quite difficult to tell unless you are experienced with it. I was wondering why they couldn't inject glucose into his systemic circuit to improve his status, but then I guess that sudden increase in glucose would cause damage to his cells no less. So I guess they took him away and infused him with sugar water for about an hour and he was fine again. So I'm guessing he has Type 1 diabetes (Insulin Dependent Diabetes Mellitus or IDDM, as opposed to Type 2, Non-IDDM - linked to obesity). Apparently (I just read this online) diabetic seizures occur when blood sugar goes way too low and I suppose this lack of "food supply" to the brain causes erratic firing and hence seizures. But I was wondering why this important guy would put himself in such danger? I think it may be that he was doing what a lot of diabetics have to do - lower their glucose levels substantially before a meal to ensure that it doesn't go too high (glucosuria, toxicity, etc) - little did he know that the speeches would be incredibly long and his blood glucose fell too low. I bet he was taking a slow-release formulation as many people do, or maybe he took some extra faster-onset tablets as well *just in case* and ended up making it worse. I wonder if you can feel nausea before an attack so you can increase your glucose intake?

Disclaimer:

Sometimes I think I'll get into deep trouble for so bluntly expressing my thoughts in this. Just remember (as I make my disclaimer once again) - I often change my mind and I am usually typing these things straight from my head so sentence formation may not be SUPERB, thus leading to incorrect interpretations. You got a gripe, just let me know. Seriously, I would much rather explain myself 100 times than be misunderstood.

World Congress in Information Technology 2006
www.wcit2006.org

Introduction

So I'm sitting at the airport... about to embark on one of my infamous "reflections". As per usual, I will change my mind, not make sense and play on rhetoric and irony. So is the dialogue of Cherrie... by infamous, I totally mean not-that-famous and those who know of it, don't like it.

I've been listening a lot these past few days : absorbing, immersing, learning, being

• intimidated
• quiet
• passive

As you may know, I ABHOR those last three things put together. I will now dub them the abhorrent trifle. OMG - that is SUCH a pun (like, three or four). I shall not explain it, figure it out yourself. I always suggest (to myself) that the abhorrent trifle should be avoided under most circumstances. I shall now attempt to dissect each of these layers, for sole purpose of seeking a solution to the problem (well, why else would you dissect something, gees)...

Disclaimer: no scientific evidence for the following, only a thought experiment ("because they are cheap and the University is cheap" - Physiology lecturer, University of Auckland)

Cause and Mechanism(s) of Effect:
1) Intimidation is caused by everyone is so amazing, articulate, opinionated and informed, resurfacing feelings of inadequacy: I do not feel the right or need to interject - What credentials do I have? What will I bring? This leads to my silence and passive participation.

2) Intimidation is the perceived feeling, but in actual fact, the true feeling is that of internal contradiction and confusion whereby the topic being discussed in the open conversation is being so hotly debated within my mind (with addition of points from the real conversation) that the real conversation has moves on. This manifests as silence and passive participation.

3) Being silent and passive is part of my upbringing, whereby modesty is greatly upheld by Chinese tradition and the 'tall poppy syndrome' comes from New Zealand society. The reasoning is that these habits are so deeply ingrained that under times of nervousness or intimidation, those traits reveal themselves more readily.

Relevance of Effect:

• Internal anger and annoyance because I hate 'conversation riding'.
• Resentment and lack of respect from other members (y'all know this is my main concern)
• Reflection of incompetence (also main concern)
• Does it make it worse that I recognise these faults and have not been able to eradicate the abhorrent trifle?
• Is it crazy or selfish that I get consumed by my internal dialogue, so much so that a lot of the time I shut out from the world unknowingly?
• Has blogging about it allowed me to prevent another 'episode' as occurred in 2003 and allowed me to express myself in a way that I feel comfortable?
• Internal dialogue is sometimes "philosophical rugby" - tackling yourself consistently, can you imagine a scrum with 10 of yousrelf against each other? Because you will all have the same capacity and skill, the probability of taking the ball (hey I don't really watch rugby) is stochastic and the long term chance of winning is 50%... or actually less because it is only 50% given that the game has ended. The chance of completing a game is low, I would have thought.
• Didn't ask all of my questions!!! GRR!
• Spend too much time thnking about own relevance instead of important issues
  

Grateful

I am so grateful for this trip, so it is even harder to watch myself be such a freak. These people have been so nice, generous and interesting - yet, they don't know that. I have not been able to express that. Or even contribute to their good experience. Unless I am actually very transparent. In which case, someone should let me know so I can stop worrying about it.

I need to interact with more articulate people. These people I have spent 3 days with are SO amazing. Balanced and fascinating. I don't even care about the things they have done, but just the ideas they have to share and the perspective they bring to conversation.

But, on this trip, I met another of those people.

I also admire the panel's openness with what they wanted, as in gadgets, etc. I think that is cool.

The actual panel and Beating myself

Oh dear, I can remember so many things I did badly on the panel...

People at this conference used much more business terminology as opposed to technical terminology. I was not expecting that. I keep trying to run from business and entrepreneurship, as if profitability was the devil (not that I'm religious). But is it really avoidable? And do I really want to avoid it now that doing business is different to the one-track-money-making corporations in my mind? So what if short term generosity equals long term commercial advantage? As long as there still is generosity and goodness right? I mean, since the long term advantage is not necessarily guaranteed, is the initial act considered altrusitic?

Anyway, so the panel got a standing ovation (the only other person who did was Colin Powell). Watched him speak, Michael Dell and various other famous people I can't remember. I suppose it's a good thing I don't get fanatic.

Future conferences/panels

We talked about the possibility of doing future panels during breakfast at IHOP. By we, I totally mean not me, as I was quiet most of the time, remember. Anyway, we discussed how much it would cost and my reaction was that I'd totally do it for free. I didn't say that at the time because a) it might offend the people who were making reasonable and realistic suggestions b) it may be financially and reputationally stupid. But to be frank, the cause is good, so I'd do it for free provided the flights and accommodation is paid for. They could donate some money to TIG as well, just like Mike was saying. People should seriously take advantage of this free-ness before I wisen up. =P

Rides

Just have to mention that the service on Qantas on the way to LA was the BEST I'd ever had from any airline. Crap on the way back. So cancels I suppose. Met some random lady (Amy) at Austin and shared a taxi with her to the Radisson- I learnt about her background and family - we had a really interesting conversation and she kindly offered me a See's candy (SEE how open and friendly I was before the abhorrent trifle took over, gees). In hindsight, it was probably a bit tactless. Oh well. Well I paid USD$25 (that's like, $6 tip) and we split it. I know. $6. I freaked out. It's America. I freaked. So began the abhorrent trifle. I really shouldn't have given it a name, as if to validate it. But it all begins with acknowledgement, right? "Hi, my name is Cherrie and I'm an abhorrent trifle addict".

I'll consider Radisson also my ride. It was aiight. Compared to the Four Seasons next door? Um.

OMG, we (Rahaf and I) rode in a limo with Don to the airport. Bling.

News and media

I made a point to watch the news in Austin (stayed up to 1-2am) to see if there was any difference . I concluded that depending on channel, the news was only slightly biased, but the biggest difference was the amount of dramatisation - WAY more in the US - no wonder people freak out. I thought the weather report was more informative (though overly dramatic) and drug ads were more informative, including some adverse drug reactions, interactions and recommendation by doctors.

Information Technology

(these are random observations during the writing of this blog entry)

Growing Up Digital(Amazon.com)
Don Tapscott

So he gave me a copy of this book - I am SO grateful. I mean, that's like giving away your painting or poem or something. Well, to me it is anyway, I'm not sure it feels the same when you've sold millions of copies, but if you give it to someone in person, it's more special anyway. And the action of giving a book still resonates with me as the honour of passing on knowledge and learning and saying, "hey, you are worthy of this knowledge". So anyway, it was really cool for him to give me a copy, so I'll add it to the shelf of books I treasure. Note to all : don't start buying me books just 'coz I said that - they have to have special meaning. Anyway, so I started reading it as soon as I checked in (I'm about half way through now) and I must say its a bit of a relief to finally read a lot of my habits are not unusual. By that I mean that I recognise parts of myself (in the past, mostly) that are similar to some of these conclusions (now, my habits are a bit different). But I'm surprised at the suggestion that much of the "skill" people "know" me for is attributed to technology and exposure to information. I thought it was innate or natural - that everyone was the same. Naive. No wonder I find it so hard to understand people who "don't care". Strange.
So I DO represent my generation...
According to this book.
Hmm... keep reading.

It's so funny. I purposely didn't read this before the panel so I wouldn't be influenced. Yet I ended up saying a lot of the things that are in here anyway. So I guess credibility gets a tick. But it's still shocking. I didn't think I was normal.

Random thoughts (in order of appearance during blog-writing)

Filed Under : Education,Life, Technology, Presentations