TIGblogs - Cherrie's TIGBlog http://cherrie.tigblog.org/ What's on the minds of young leaders from around the globe? en-us Awareness http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/435979 Of My Own Ignorance and Doubting My Abilities to Reduce It

Learning is like washing your clothes. Every week there's a new load - you wish you could do say, +3 loads and thereby free yourself for 2 weeks, but you just can't do that. Likewise with learning, you can't be ahead of it. You can't know what you need to know to make that connection and/or discovery. So I guess, go as broad and as deep as you can. But tens of papers later (within this week or so), I feel not very much enlightened.

My 'week' has included (for my future self or any other Fid students wanting to know how round-about one can be):

  • climate change (e.g. McKitrick paper - interesting), sunspots (e.g. wtf, switching magnetic fields of the Sun?), cloud seeding (v. cool)
  • Richardson-Lucy deconvolution, Baye's Theorem, Baye's Postulate (all cool, but haven't really looked into when/why Baye's Postulate is valid)
  • Markov gating schemes, steady-state kinetics, ligand-receptor binding kinetics/dye-binding kinetics, reaction-diffusion systems
  • object-based programming (which actually sounds like Actionscript in Flash and the reusable objects, seem, in theory, to be v. economical - but I'm forever duplicating objects in Flash, when I should just create instances... but maybe I'm just confused)
  • 'Does science make God obsolete?' (Templeton series; sort of odd question with loaded connotations/intentions, so just skimmed - heaps of them were cop-outs, even Pinker and Hitchens' were disappointing, but I quite enjoyed Sapolsky,
    "So why is belief still relevant? To this I'd offer a very a-scientific answer. It is for the ecstasy...I mean those instances where you're suffused with gratitude for life and experience and the chance to do good, where every neuron is flooded with the momentness of feeling the breeze on its cellular cheek. A scientist... may feel ecstatic about a finding...but science...is not very good at producing ecstasy...(and) there are good arguments to be made for why science shouldn't do ecstasy...By contrast, the potential for ecstasy is deeply intertwined with religiosity...This may seem an unfair tilting of the debate against science...But building your life's explanations around science isn't a profession. It is, at its core, an emotional contract, an agreement to only derive comfort from rationality...The world would not be a better place without ecstasy, but it would be one if there wasn't religion. But don't expect science to fill the hole that would be left behind, or to convince you that there is none."
  • ... because as you know, I'm quite inclined to believe there is no hole, or rather the hole is not real even if it is perceived to exist.
  • Frequentist vs. Bayesian view on probability (thought it might have been useful, probably a waste of time)
  • Binomial distributions/quantised events
  • decision theory (again, probably a waste of time)
  • differential equations (again, I thought this might help, but maybe not. At least I can do those Bernoulli ones now)
  • 'stimulated emission', 'non-linear refractive index media/gain media/Kerr lens modelocking, self-focussing' (new terms I learnt just today... maybe except the first one :S)

On top of those, thinking about my actual experiments (which was actually sort of fun). I sort of don't know what to expect of myself, so I'm getting extremely tired from non-stop trying to understand things, but someone always raises something else I've never met. I'm just sort of annoyed that I don't seem to know anything useful... but I guess I'm just doing very wide helices and hopefully I will converge soon towards an answer or at least coherence...

Hmm... but I just thought of something practical I can do tomorrow.

Of Realities As We Age (Human Nature/Nature)

  • fear of abandonment/loneliness as very real as we move away from the protection and unconditional love of our parents and family
  • vanity in being desired as a real and very basic mode of motivation
  • helplessness and insignificance in the vast world, yet at the same time, immense power and influence that can be exerted by an individual
  • others with thoughts like you, but also with thoughts very unlike you and some intricate pattern of such thoughts and tendencies create those that you gravitate towards
  • limitless people to meet, yet only a few will really be there
  • selfishness as a neutral and expected quality
Lately I've been trying to understand why people apparently become needy for companionship as they age, but I guess from the points noted above, it's really a combination of our moving away from established filial (and other) ties and recognition/allowance of our own vanity/selfishness, so it's like an unmasking of need, not development of.

I don't know if these thoughts are stupid or not. I don't know how it compares with the rest of the population of xy-year olds or if that matters. I don't know if I am actually smart, I just know I want to do better than this. I don't know if I am strange, but I know that when I look at my life, it's nothing like my friends'. But I suppose theirs' are not like each others', either. I guess I want to sort of know that I am leading it in the right way, though I don't know that anyone else can make that judgement but me. Still, it would be interesting to see what the world sees. I suspect a vastly different figure.

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]]> Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/435979 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 My Heart Could Take A Chance... http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/428869

It's been hailing/raining all morning. It was some sort of mockery of the fact that I haven't expressed myself freely for some time. Further, I realised that I don't know how to live in a way that I truly find enjoyable (as opposed to changing my perspective/adapting, which I'm quite good at). I know how to get things done very well (i.e. reach a desired outcome), but how to I get my life lived?


I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters

Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘what ya done?’
This used to be the life but I don’t need another one.
You like cuttin’ up and carrying on, you wear them gowns.
So how come I feel so lonely when you’re up getting down?

So I'll play along when I hear that special song
I’m gonna be the one who gets it right.
You'd better move when you're swayin’ round the room
Looks like the magic's only ours tonight

[Chorus:]
But I don’t feel like dancin’
When the old Joanna plays
My heart could take a chance
But my two feet can’t find a way
You'd think that I could muster up a little soft-shoe gentle sway
But I don’t feel like dancin’
No sir, no dancin’ today.
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
Even if I find nothin' better to do
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
Why’d you break it down when I’m not in the mood?
Don’t feel like dancin’, dancin’
I'd rather be home with no-one, if I can't get down with you.

Cities come and cities go just like the old empires
When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile.
You got so many colours make a blind man so confused.
Then why can’t I keep up when you’re the only thing I lose?

So I’ll just pretend that I know which way to bend
And I’m gonna tell the whole world that you’re mine.
Just please understand, when I see you clap your hands
If you stick around I’m sure that I'll be fine

[Chorus]

You can’t make me dance around
But your two-step makes my chest pound.
Just lay me down
As you float away into the shimmer light.

[Chorus]



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]]> Fri, 18 Jul 2008 05:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/428869 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Sound Of Silence http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/418225

The Sound Of Silence - Brooke Fraser
Originally recorded by Simon Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision, softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no-one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, "the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence."




]]> Sat, 12 Jul 2008 08:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/418225 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Little Things http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/416495

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]]> Wed, 09 Jul 2008 06:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/416495 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Confessions of a Coward http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/409991




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]]> Fri, 04 Jul 2008 09:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/409991 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Words amp; Actions http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/399909 Can I do anything? What are the chances that an army of one will win? Can I even fathom a winning situation?

The worst always comes from the inside. And the ticker within counting each one shakes my whole soul, but I was defiant. Yet now I know I should have let go a long time ago.


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]]> Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:07:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/399909 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Update Notes http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/398027
It's cold! I went for a run today and as I was coming back along the waterfront, it started raining, then hailing! Apart from the fact I couldn't feel my fingers, it was actually pretty fun. I love storm rain - I like the volume, the sound, the uniformity. Anyway, just a quick update on things that have happened of late:
  • pub quiz at Cock amp; Bull - lost miserably, but hey
  • lab dinner at De Fontein for YJ's departure - very nice, but extremely expensive! It was also v. cool to have RH there and also to go to Movenpick afterwards...
  • driving with ND - v. awesome
  • breakfast at Cima with KO - also v. awesome
  • lots of marking - but it's sort of fun
  • chill-out at the PGSA thing on Friday - it was actually a good opportunity to catch up with everyone and I am sort of feeling better now that I've figured out what's been bothering one of my friends and now I can work out exactly what to do
  • sleep? yeah right!
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From cherrieland.blogspot.com
]]> Sat, 28 Jun 2008 03:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/398027 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Circle Of Life http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/396201 Because (1) I've just spent all day with essays, (2) I feel like my life consists of,
life = (lab-blink-)n

where, blink = non-lab things, e.g. sleep
and, n = days
and, (3) I think this will amuse you, I present to you,

'The Circle of Life'

Here, I have a circle. This is your domain, your 'microworld' or window through which you perceive. It encloses everything ('others') of which you are consciously- and subconsciously-aware. Beyond the circle are things you have not perceived/encountered. Others are objects, concepts, places, people, anything. They are fluid. They are not locked to a grid. This grid is space-time, 'time' in diagram. They swim in the abstract.

The perimeter is the interface between what you have absorbed and what you have yet to know of. This perimeter is but an arbitrary demarcation along a continuum, where distance from the centre, 'X', indicates your openness and understanding.

Some of you may know that if you follow a point around the perimeter of a circle and trace its vertical displacement over time, then you will get a sinusoidal waveform, as shown.

This vertical displacement marks your circumstance or 'state of being' and this fluctuates through time above and below an 'offset'. Above is a positive (e.g. happy) state of being, while below is a negative (e.g. sad) state of being.

Relative and absolute position of the centre are important for your state of being. If the centre shifts in relation to your circle, then you have eccentric rotation (vs. concentric). In these cases, your state of being can have a complex waveform, that can be reconstructed or understood using the simple waveform shown above. The rate of movement of the centre can indicate 'stability' of your state of being function and by stability, I mean, having all values close to the mean value. Vertical displacement of the centre determines your offset and I think this this is largely determined by your personality, though admittedly your personality, though largely stable and characteristic, can be affected by extrinsic factors. Horizontal displacement will shift your exposure to various 'others', or if you like, move you around in the mileu of perceivable things so that you can experience different things. Movement of the centre can be directed (e.g. you can force yourself to have a new experience) or a random walk. This will now be further elaborated, as the ability for X to affect the breadth of your perception is via the radius, r.

The radius (r) affects the magnitude of the fluctuations in your state of being, and the rate at which r changes is your 'state of becoming'. Of course, as r increases, your microworld enlarges and in principle you are able to understand/empathise with increasing 'others'. There are various 'forces' that can contribute to the expansion or dimunition of your circle as indicated by the E and I arrows. Briefly, the E arrow encapsulates qualities (innate and/or learned) such as curiosity, willpower to explore and keep an open mind/heart and willingness to have an education/understand the world. The I arrow includes qualities such as stubbornness and closed-mindedness, inability to see different aspects of the same thing and conditions such as lack of opportunity or resources. But of course, increasing r decreases stability. Discussed further later.

The periodicity of your waveform may never be defined depending on the nature of it. However, space-time is perceived by you. How you perceive it is largely dependent on your offset. Periodicity depends on your perception and can be considered something that is an 'other', for you to understand and try to enclose, but cannot entirely unless you are as large as the universe itself.

OK, so that's the real basics of this funny little story. Here go the more 'advanced' parts:

By circles, you know I really mean spheres, or maybe structures with more dimensions. Each of these structures are beings or existences. Even objects have them, but they are unable to shape them as conscious beings are. Indeed, we are sentient, we are self-conscious.

'Spheres' or 'bubbles' or 'microworlds' of different beings can overlap and that's what our interactions are. Our interfaces intertwine, interfere, interact - the waves mingling and trying to comprehend. It's energy.

Sometimes these bubbles meet, touch and never separate until they cease to exist as the entities they were in the instant before they met. Categorisation is arbitrary.

Sometimes you can see bubbles from far away and they radiate rainbow colours of interference patterns - an indication of what's within the bubble - of which is too 'far' (not actually distance as such) to discern.

If you reduce your 'radius' to its limit, you will become nothing. Would you know? Would your trace flat-line until you vanish? Are you stable?

If you expand your radius to infinity, you will stretch your resources. Would you have the capacity to maintain your integrity? Would you risk falling apart to see how far you can stretch?

The dynamics of a changing r (its rate and absolute value) can change the circularity of your microworld and therefore, your state of being. Perhaps the goal is to shape and roam your microworld such that it can faithfully present to your perception, the reality, i.e. improve the accuracy and precision of your lens. [prev. post about Life As A Lens]

Is control over the rates of change the key? Or maybe it's simpler than that. Just that we change, we move. Life doesn't exist at equilibrium even though we always try to get back to it. It's like we're always trying to go home. Where's home?

END


Anyway, in my news, still not sleeping, but mood slightly better - must be getting used to not sleeping as much. Still sort of melancholic. Also, my voice sounds different.

]]> Wed, 25 Jun 2008 04:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/396201 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Picture Of Dorian Gray http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/388707 I just finished The Picture of Dorian Gray (1981) by Oscar Wilde (Reading Social).

I found this novel interesting, albeit slightly disturbing - not about "sin" itself, but the disfigurement of one's "soul" due to sin. I suppose it still comes down to what one defines as sin and whether or not the sin begins at conception or action. But more than simple disfigurement per se, I am disturbed by the danger in turning a blind eye to the disfigurement of one's soul. I suppose then the only sin is perpetual disfigurement of one's soul due to ignoring or denying what the soul is telling you. I suppose then your soul defines what is sin and what is not. I suppose then we must define what a soul is and what gives it its morals. I still think it's sort of a potential-influenced-by-nurture type thing, as opposed to some ghostly thing that floats between worlds, etc, etc.

I was alarmed at how I was so easily taken by Lord Henry Wotton's philosophies - I thought, hey this is different from what I normally think, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's right, he sounds confident that he is right - until I thought, wait a minute - I have my own morals, too and I like them. In any case, I think they are interesting.

Yesterday, I wrote in my diary,

"Dorian Gray killed Sybil Vane. I wonder who in this story I can relate to the most? This is most peculiar."

Then, today, after I had finished the novel, I found this on Wikipedia,

"In a letter, Wilde stated that the main characters of The Picture Of Dorian Gray are in different ways reflections of himself: "Basil Hallward is what I think I am: Lord Henry what the world thinks of me: Dorian what I would like to be - in other ages, perhaps."
I guess I sort of related to Dorian Gray in that lately, I've been trying to figure out the influences on me and what is it about myself that has changed so much recently. I've also been trying to figure out what it means for one's reality, judgement and appreciation (of life, knowledge, others, etc.) when one ceases to believe in objectivity.

Anyway, as per usual, here are some interesting quotes (most of which are appreciated for their irony):

"Some subtle influence passed from him to me, and for the first time in my life I saw in the plain woodland the wonder I had always looked for, and always missed." Basil Hallward, p12
Wonder is good. It's innocent.
"An artist should create beautiful things, but should put nothing of his own life into them. We live in an age when men treat art as if it were meant to be a form of autobiography. We have lost the abstract sense of beauty." Basil Hallward, p12-13
I find this interesting, particularly since I've been pondering about the relevance of this blog and the nature of my creations or art, as you may call them. I never mean to indulge in vanity, but I find that almost everything I create has myself in it, otherwise it is not mine and I do not wish to be attached to it. I guess the irony is that The Picture Of Dorian Gray is much like Wilde's autobiography somewhat. So perhaps Basil Hallward is the most naiive character of all, not Dorian. I think Dorian is very aware indeed.
"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies." Lord Henry Wotton, p?
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." Lord Henry Wotton, p55
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror." Lord Henry, p61
"As for a spoiled life, no life is spoiled but one whose growth is arrested." Lord Henry, p61
"They (women) create Love in our natures. They have a right to demand it back." Dorian Gray, p65
This reminds me - at times, the things that Lord Henry says about women are very degrading.
"It (the picture) held the secret of his life, and told his story. It had taught him to love his own beauty. Would it teach him to loathe his own soul?" p74
"Why should he watch the hideous corruption of his soul?" p98
"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world in its own shame." p172


]]> Fri, 13 Jun 2008 08:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/388707 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Lights, Electricity, Flight http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/384873 Wellington: There Were Three Themes

(1) Sleep

I slept a lot. I truly hadn't realised I was so exhausted. I think I'm deluded with regards to the amount of rest I need and how much I can achieve. But I don't care, because I like the fact that I can work hard, while oblivious that it is "work".

But when I think about it, it wasn't even that much sleep. It was just that I had 2 nights uninterrupted. TWO! But the past two nights, I've woken up at 4 AM again. Frack-doodles.

Last night I had a weird dream/nightmare that MC was leaving (like, forever) and on his way out, he said "Oh I had a thought..." and proceeded to describe skinning the myocyte and patching the SR. And he was like, "don't worry, it'll take no time and it'd be perfect for the paper." Yeah I know, none of it really makes sense and the lab wasn't the lab, it was this mansion- or castle-like place that was sort of dark, with huge windows, high ceilings and decorated with old-fashioned velvet. But in my dream, I "knew" it was the lab. And also, MC had four suitcases, all of which looked like my family's suitcases. And as he was rushing off (into a lift with a bellboy/old man there in a maroon uniform and gloves), I was chatting to someone about how weird this experiment was.

The night before I had this dream where Tiff and I were in a maze/competitione thing that spanned several days. It was like a life-or-death "game" that we were in and it was very surreal. So we were one of very few pairs left and we had to sleep. So we found these two rooms with single beds, separated by an empty room. So I lay in mine and there was this cord (electrical cord, not rope cord) draped/taut over my pillow and I thought, "this is strange", with a semi-de-ja-vu feeling that this was dangerous. So instead of lying with the cord over me (because it was taut at that sort of height), I opted for the less comfortable option of putting the cord underneath my pillow, while I slept on it. Half-way through the night, my duvets were sucked away to the space between the bed and the wall and the cord began to retract. I realise that it would have formed a noose around my neck to pull me in. Realising that Tiff might be under the same conditions, I rushed over to find her body and duvet shoved midway through this hole in the wall. All this time, there were grotesque gargling and churning noises, as if there was a monster feeding behind the wall. At that point, I thought it was too late, but I remember thinking that it is never too late until you give up, so I grabbed her feet and pulled as hard as I could. Thankfully, her head had not reached its teeth, so she came out relatively unscathed, if a bit suction-damaged and shocked. We then ran off to continue our quest and I remember thinking that I couldn't have carried on alone.

(2) Full

Eating Mum's cooking.

(3) Cold

Now I have a cold. It comes from the anti Auckland/Flat/Lab syndrome, where coming down off the adrenaline allows me to get sick. Almost every time. And that also explains the dreams. I never have memorable dreams anymore except for when I am sick.

Cats - The Musical

It was a wonderful production - I can't wait for The Phantom to get here in Oct. It was good to be able to give Dad this opportunity given he's had this interest since forever, but hasn't been able to indulge in it due to (a) lack of funds in the past, (b) rarity in splashing out on oneself, (c) Mum's lack of interest. But finally! I was able to give Dad a present he liked (and that means something). So, success!

Electricity and Flight

I am always amazed by progress. Driving around at night, I notice the lights lining the motorway and I am reminded that we could never have this life without electricity. Likewise, watching the planes lift off the tarmac, I think about how small the Earth has become and yet we are still able to turn a blind eye to some of our "neighbours'" woes. Progress is amazing, yet ironic. I guess maybe because it's relative and you can't really have irony without comparison, can you? But this line of thought reminded me of a few lines from "Memories" (Cats),
"I remember the time I knew what happiness was"
I've always find it funny when people ask, "are you happy?" I am never sure what to say, for what time-scale do they speak of, let alone what aspect of happiness? Am I joyful, am I content? Of now, of the future, of recent past? Thus, I almost always answer "I'm always happy," which is true considering long-term trends, but might not be true considering that moment... but is almost always true when I think of the past and/or the potential of the future. But the large fluctuations make life interesting and I think, makes it easier for me to empathise.

Eyes

I had a thought that I don't really look into people's eyes, nor do I notice their eye colour. I thought that maybe the latter was due to a lack of habit. For 1/3 of my life, I only met people with brown eyes. Maybe because of that, I never really picked up the habit. I don't think I could tell you the eye colour of the people in my lab despite the fact I see them almost everyday. I could probably make a good guess... I guess. Anyway, I also thought that maybe I notice clarity more than colour - because that's interesting.

Compatibility

I sat next to a couple on the plane - the man was reading The Art of War (Reading Social), while the woman was reading some Cosmo-like magazine. I just found it peculiar. Now I know that it could be that they're reading TAOW together or maybe she read it first and now he's reading it, I don't know. But it made me think about what attracts people together. I have had an increasingly pessimistic outlook on this front, because it seems that after all the personality considerations, people are still driven predominantly by physique. Or rather, people can forego the intellectual stimulation for the eye-candy, but not likely the other way around. At a personal level, I find this a bit distressing and at a global level, I find this disappointing. But forgetting all that stuff about physique as indications of fertility, immunological repertoire, etc - maybe it's because physical appearance is easier to judge than the wirings of the brain and heart (so to speak). Bleak bleak topic.

Freezer-Truck Man

Meanwhile, as I was waiting for the Airbus to get back, a strange man in a freezer truck stopped, grumbled and motioned his head for me to get in. At first, I thought he was trying to tell me something about the Airbus, but when I realised what he was doing, I shook my head politely and stepped back. He hung around for a while, but then eventually left. Ugh.

Did I ever tell you about that time I was at Jumping Gym (arcade-type place in HK) and this disgusting old man grabbed my behind? Or that time at this conference when this teacher made rude comments about my body/clothes? Or... I'm going to stop now, but I'm just illustrating a point. If this has happened to me, can you imagine what has happened to attractive girls/women? Unless these scum pray on defenceless-looking ones (i.e. not a real correlation with attractiveness). I'm not saying I distrust men, but there are just some gross people out there.

]]> Sat, 07 Jun 2008 07:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/384873 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Journey, Transit, Movement http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/382699 Wellington welcomed me with wind once familiar to me - it cuts you carelessly, nonchalantly, as if to broadcast most intimately,
"it's LIFE, it's LIFE, have you forgotten you're ALIVE?!!"
The chill and the smell reminded me of 6 am netball games. In Haitaitai. In thin white polo shirts and short black skirts. With chattering teeth, trembling knees and utmost determination to show everyone what you're made of. Aside from the cold and darkened skies (which can be quite mysteriously romantic if you are in the right mood), winter is inconvenient because layered clothing = bulk = restricted movement. I dislike restricted movement.

I finished Persuasion by Jane Austen (Reading Social). I thought this book was quite good, although stereotypical characters and lollipop plot (light-hearted, ensured happy ending, too sweet, too unreal) makes it markedly less bewitching than Pride and Prejudice. I still admire Austen's way with words, though - as if every word, every sentence, every paragraph has been measured, toned, tempo-ed and set. I am almost certain that even if you didn't understand English, the tones and rhythm would let you know what's going on. Anyway, I would like to share with you this excerpt from p 179 (skip this if you haven't read it):
I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but alone I think and plan. - Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? - I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish tones of that voice, when they would be lost on others. - Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among me. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating in
F.W.
I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening, or never.
Can you imagine such a letter in reality? It would floor me. Letters are so cute and fun! Maybe I'll start writing them again.

And just for the sake of interesting/resonating inputs into my life, here is a verse from Battle by Colbie Caillat (Last.fm; I know, I'm hooked on her album Coco):
This is a battle
This is your final last call (why'd you have to let go?)
You had a trial, you made a mistake, we know (can't you see you hurt me so?)
But why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?
This could be better, you could be happy - try!
In unrelated notes, I can't wait for tomorrow - a whole day that I can just plug away at this to-do list, uninterrupted. Mind you, as I was saying to PC, it'd be ironic if I got more done on this paper at home than in the office in the lab. I mean, I just spent 4 hours in transit only to arrive home, turn on good ol' lappy and start tapping away at these keys again. Mmm. It's only when I move away from the lab for short periods of time that I remember I love it. If I stay away too long, I accommodate my feelings. Good or bad, who knows. Also, I wonder when my registration is coming through. They met on 29 May...

]]> Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/382699 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Brain Activity http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/383065 Everyday I think I get a little bit more delusional to cope.

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]]> Wed, 04 Jun 2008 08:06:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/383065 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Snippets http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/377381 FeMaleness

So I just had a thought yesterday about that 2D:4D ratio. So, a high 2D:4D ratio is correlated with a neurotic personality in both males and females. However, people in top managerial positions are also associated with a neurotic personality (can't find good reference right now). Thus, people in top managerial positions should be correlated with a high 2D:4D ratio... which is also correlated with feminine traits/higher oestrogen in utero. That is counter-intuitive, since power and traditional leadership traits are associated with maleness.

Just goes to show that correlation is hard to make inferences from. That and the fact that "neurosis" is such a broad term and I have referenced the above logic poorly. =P Also, I reckon that successful people often have a good balance of both "male" and "female" traits and can use them accordingly.

Hard Work

"Working hard" is relative. To your values. Working hard is sometimes measured by "productivity", but this doesn't take into account that some outcomes are more easily achieved than others and even the same outcome can have different levels of effort associated with achieving it, depending on which stage of its completion you are at - e.g. going from 0 to 50% complete is often much easier than going from 90 to 100% complete. Or in other words, the effort you need to put in to complete 50% of a project is probably ten times less (or even smaller) than the effort you have to put in to complete the last 5%. Oftentimes, the last 5% doesn't really matter and nobody really notices that it hasn't been done, except for perhaps someone else who has done a similar project and/or understands its difficulties.

So really, "working hard" can only be defined by your values and how you value the worth of each project. Have you worked hard when you have pushed an assignment from 0 to 90% completion? Have you worked hard when you have put the same amount of time to push a pet project from 95 to 99% completion? I'd say yes to both. And often, one is more willing to work hard at those small percentages near the top if they have real motivation to make it "perfect". This means that they hold this project to high esteem or very aligned to their values. Likewise, an assignment that is worth 2% of the final grade may only need to be "90%" complete, but that doesn't mean you haven't worked hard.

Talkative

Also, I've noticed that the more I want to find out about someone, the more I seem to talk about myself. Strange and stupid, but true.

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]]> Sun, 25 May 2008 03:05:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/377381 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Lack Of Zzz http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/375473
  • Sleep going down
  • Anxiety going up
  • Reason(s) unknown
  • Tired
I'm so tired, I just want somewhere to rest my head... and somehow the world is so loud right now, I would love for words to be whispered to me for a while. Whispers and silence, morning air and dew, water, fruit and vegetables...and dreams to organise my thoughts, a hug or two to calm my feelings... and everything will be alright.

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]]> Thu, 22 May 2008 04:05:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/375473 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Fid http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/366853

Everywhere I turn, people are telling me how hard academia is and how hard a Phd is - and to tell you the truth, when I decided to do a PhD - I hadn't believed them. I thought, 7th form wasn't that bad - and people had said it was horrible, 3rd year wasn't that bad - and people had said it was horrible, honours wasn't that bad - and people had said it was horrible. So? I thought - hey, I can handle this PhD thing. No sweat.

Enter reality. Actually, a PhD really IS a long haul - longer than I have ever done before - potentially WAY longer than I have ever lasted before. Will I be able to keep my insecurities at bay? In fact, when I look back on 2003 (7th form), that was the first year I had my "little annual emotional event". Last year was pretty hard, with many unexpected events - but it was also the first I didn't have an unexpected "emotional event". So - this must be a new beginning.

And what, a PhD as a "period of depression"? I like ML's dismissal of the whole thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Well, I won't let this cloud rain on my parade!!! I'm going to enjoy it - so get out of my way!!!

Comic Source : www.phdcomics.com
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]]> Tue, 06 May 2008 03:05:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/366853 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Academic Enterprise http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/366303 I find it sort of ironic that the University, in want of a "business model" or "strong enterprise" (whatever they actually mean to the people doing the paper-pushing), seems to have completely lost sight of its priorities... or "core business". What devastating effects this... oxymoronic loss of direction (or balls) has on the University itself (and its constituents) and NZ as a whole is being seen.

I mean, seriously, what sort of "business" or "enterprise" doesn't get to grips with the fact that it has to support its core? If I asked my buddies over at CE, or TC at SS, or BD at SW, or DT at NP - what would they say?

I mean, I am no business guru, in fact - I am completely ignorant of most marketplace-theories, but I'd say (and correct me if I am being too far-fetched), if what you wanted to sell Auckland's best pies, you'd want to attract the best pie chefs, instead of say... burning down their houses and moving all the best ovens to Otago. No? Maybe just me then.

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]]> Mon, 05 May 2008 04:05:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/366303 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Big Smoke http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/362541 I departed WGTN at 9:30 AM on Wednesday. Excited, apprehensive and sleep deprived (which goes without saying, really).

An hour later, I stepped onto AKL.

An hour later, I stepped into the flat.

An hour later, I was in the lab.

Auckland

Gave TK, DB, MK texts during the journey here and grateful that NM rang home while I was semi-unpacking. Then bumped into RY on Grafton Bridge, which was nice and then caught up with IV briefly before saying hi to PD, NL and a few others. I felt a sense of familiarity as I watched the streets between the airport and the flat crawl by and an even more grey and 'status-quo' feeling as we entered the city. I have been here a long time, it seems and there is a noted absence of that 'fresh' feeling I get strolling down Wellington streets.

Uni

It felt so weird to be back at Uni - the energy is so different to that at work. I'd forgotten all the relatively-carefree hustle and bustle of this miniature city, full of people rushing to and fro lecture halls, flinging around books, book bags, clutching coffees, chatting with friends to catch up on 'important happenings' since the last update yesterday. I was a bit taken aback at first, until I realised that this is the way I am, too - over-dramatic, over-driven, over-committed... full of stresses that are only charming when worn by the young and naive.

Lab

Then I floated up to the lab and was met by its lovely constituents!! It was so good to see everyone again - I know I say this all the time, but it's the people that make this place worthwhile. I must say the actual premises were smaller than I had remembered, in an exact opposite psychological trick to that I experienced for my flat. Drastic changes that I'd been expecting did not materialise in front of me and I found myself slowing down to the pace of this institution again. I find that a bit ironic considering I slowed down upon entering CE as well. I guess there is always build-up time before plateauing to a good steady pace. I guess. But even just trying to register/enrol and hearing of the various fiascoes running their course, I was reminded of the sludge- and debris-covered road that NZ lies down for its 'intellectuals'. It was not as comforting as I thought it'd be (and actually, more disappointing) to give up the power/responsibility, accessible utility and responsiveness of CE - it was almost whatever it takes to get the job done well. But here? Whatever it takes is a distant concept and people are making do with sticks and stones (to build 21st century knowledge that 22nd centurions can be proud of). Good luck, she puffs sarcastically.

But I managed to get all the requirements together and even caught up with a few more buddies strolling around the place - RS, AB, NE, ND, KV... Mind you, I'm still nervous about Monday, since I haven't actually done any real work yet and even hearing 'light chatter' about photons, resolution and binding efficiency has my head spinning. I'm might hazard a guess that this must feel like a version (though inferior) of love. And yes, I am aware this sounds crazy, as I was reminded by my kind friends on Tues night.

Wellington

So in the few days leading up to my departure, I focussed on wrapping things up at work (although I still have a few things to do) and making some last minute plans with friends I hadn't had a chance to see very much of yet. It's ridiculous, I know - that in 3 months, I have seen some of these people once or twice. In any case, I am very grateful for LR - who is a wonderful, loyal, irreplaceable friend and a genuine trooper. I think my emotional life would be much more stable with her around. In saying that, I have heaps of beautiful friends, who are kind and generous - for that I am eternally grateful.

I should mention that on my last day at CE, KG, ML, JL and I went for a nice coffee at Fresco (poor NJ didn't understand!) and then there were drinks after work, which were fab also. Friday night was a bit harrowing tying up loose ends at work, which meant I didn't leave the office until about 10 PM.

Thurs/Fri/Sat in the Big Smoke

Coming back to the title of the entry, Thursday was spent choring, getting the regalia (!!), PGSA event-ing and was supposed to culminate in lab drinks at 5 PM. Needless to say, this didn't happen to my great disappointment, BUT thankfully, LZ, NK and I went out for a long Korean dinner and then a long chat back at NK's. Come Friday morning, I trooped home and chored some more. A few hours spent at KV and NW's, then off to the Comedy Club to see Josie Long, who is quite funny. I'd say 7.5/10 if Russell Peters is 10/10 and say, Mike King is like 0/10 and Raybon Khan 2/10. Just my taste, don't have a beef. Sat was more choring and a run and now I'm still choring although I took some time to write this and I'll also write another post regarding NZ science that some of you might be interested in.



Image Sources : www.shiptonz.com
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]]> Sat, 26 Apr 2008 05:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/362541 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Discovery Channel: I Love The World http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/361565 I love it. It is so cute. Go Discovery Channel! (I love Discovery Channel).



Info Flow : I first discovered this from Rahaf.
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]]> Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/361565 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Sleep! http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/360011

Oh my goodness, last night I got some decent sleep.

It's amazing - I can conquer the world, again! Oh, sleep - how I miss thee.

(And also GREAT catchups with MR and LR)

ROCK ON!

It's so weird how my mood is SO dependent on the amount of rest I get these days. I used to have way more energy than that. It must be that I'm getting old and/or maybe I'm just really really tired, since the things I do now are more difficult than before (perhaps). Or rather, the people stuff is more complicated these days. Never used to have to worry about such things.

Regardless, I have a MEGA to-do list this week, spanning two cities. FRACK! (it's ok, I can handle the jandle - just the to-do stuff, but maybe a bit of assistance with the emo stuff). I am SO EMO. Without even wanting to be! Or maybe I'm too happy (generally) to be an emo.

But I think I've finally come to terms with my feelings on this work/Welly experience - acceptance, gratitude and humility in the lessons learned, people met and weaknesses revealed. Perhaps one day I'll be able to say something akin to "pride in things achieved", but I don't think I'm very comfortable with feeling self-pride just yet. Not that I'm completely self-deprecating or anything tragic like that.

But oh! Fine - I admit it! I'm going to miss my family, Wellington and CE like those Labour fools missed the key. Pun is poor, but I'm just mocking the journalists. Gees!

Image Source : www.instablogsimages.com
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]]> Mon, 21 Apr 2008 07:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/360011 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Conversations http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/358597 I have had many thoughts lately, none of which have reached here. Things personal, things I can't seem to describe in words. But maybe my eyes are open wider from my time here.

It's not that I don't want to tell someone, I do. But I can't get it out. I don't know how, I don't know of a good time, I don't know who and I don't know if it really matters that they know.

The things are revelations about life, revelations about me. Comfort tinged with sadness at the realisation of what is true. For me. Wonderment covered in a fabric of numb caution.

But I guess the theme is that what I want and what will contribute to my happiness won't arrive directly and I cannot directly get there. The things I do every day are merely things and I am merely me. The people I want to stay, almost always don't and the people that stay won't realise their worth until I do - and I don't.

It's a conversation or two that needs to happen soon and something new needs to begin. I don't think it's anywhere I've seen or been - it must be somewhere I've never imagined. But where do I find it?

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]]> Thu, 17 Apr 2008 04:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/358597 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The God Delusion http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/354035 'The God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins. I thought that Dawkins was quite charming (more so than on The Root Of All Evil) and even witty (maybe more of a reflection of my taste in humour :P). The book proved easier to read than I thought, many parts of it made me laugh out loud and it had many interesting stories and minor tangents.

I guess I am slightly unimpressed because I have heard many of his arguments before and I don't think they are satisfactory in the debate against God and religion. I was hoping for something more. That isn't to say that Dawkins himself could not provide further insight for each chapter, but perhaps he did not have the space in a book that is already quite long. Indeed, he did devote a lot of effort (explanation, examples) to present basic ideas, which is important.

I'm not saying that because I am not satisfied with the arguments that I don't think along the same lines. But it's hard to define religion and it is hard to define God, then argue against them in a way that is accepted by every person. There is just such a range, such disagreement, such denial of each other - that what really is the point?

I guess at the end of the day, the only conclusion I can come up with is that human beings are fallible, stubborn and blind, so of course our ultimate truths and beliefs can be the same.

]]> Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/354035 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 Thoughtlet http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/354037 Hillary shakes her head a lot.

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]]> Sat, 05 Apr 2008 01:04:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/354037 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The Colour Purple http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/349663 I just finished The Colour Purple by Alice Walker (1983)

This novel was interesting, even though it was difficult to overcome the narrative. It was perhaps one technique Walker used to convey how maltreated/misunderstood the black people were: by making the reader consciously aware of the effort we have to make to understand the protagonist, it was bringing out our understanding that perhaps it was that little bit of effort many people were/are not willing to make for people of a different colour.

But was it just black and white-ness that she was confronting? The 'heroine' was a black lesbian woman, from the country, who was uneducated because of who she is and who she was before she was born.

Her life was riddled with tragedy; rape, abandonment, loss, abuse and yet through it all she has her faith. Her belief and trust without apparent return earns her (1) strength, (2) the same belief and trust without return from her sister and (3) a final revelation in how to see the return that has always been there had she looked in the right places - that God was not a (white, male) figure, but instead an amorphous force to be found in the nature of things - the trees, the stars, the wind and herself.

The thing that caught my curiosity was how the enslaved African-American people were not recognised by the native African people as their own, nor owed an apology (of any sort) for their betrayal/abandonment. I don't know if this is true and I am going to find out more about it. I guess I find it peculiar that when I think of Africa, I know of no congruent history. I know of fragments with few links, from the first hominids to Egypt and Caesar to South Africa to Rwanda to slavery to malaria, all of which sum to one thing: my ignorance.

But it highlights the problem I've been thinking about for ages: how to help those who don't want to change. If people's customs and heritage are their most valued assets, then is it right to impose change even if that change is necessary for their survival? I suppose the only thing you can do is offer them that choice - to open that door and it is up to them to walk through it.

I also find it interesting that purple is at one of the limits of the human colour perception, while Shug (sugar as one which can sustain life and Shug as the personification of life in the novel) says, "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." As if to say we are not doing life justice if we do not see more.


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]]> Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:26:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/349663 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 What I'd Say If You Were Here http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/346227 could be perfectly comfortable and be as happy as I always have been.

It's difficult to evaluate decisions of your life when you're the type of person that is curious about almost anything, find goodness in almost everything, learn from any situation, find opportunities to nourish any situation so that it is larger than life.

Where do I want to be?

I seem to have drifted from thinking that I work towards some noble cause (cancer, heart disease, liberation of youth/society) to admitting that I work for the people and my relationships. I would quite happily work away in both Academia and Business because I can find meaning in what I do, but mostly because I can respect who I work for and with.

If I had a twin I wouldn't have to feel so bad about leaving. There are laws against abandonment and neglect, you know.

But the even bigger picture than all of that is that people matter most. So more than what I want to do, I am thinking about who I want to meet. That's when the tables turn somewhat.

What have I learned about myself in the past 3 months? Only that right now I pretty much know everything about myself - until I have new relationships that will bring out parts of me I never even imagined.


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]]> Thu, 20 Mar 2008 07:03:00 EDT http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/346227 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667 The More I Do, The More I Know What I Want To Do http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/342283 Hey all, sorry for the lack of updates. I am very busy and extremely tired, but generally very happy because I'm learning and trying new things. So, don't worry. =)

Driving lessons: have had 3. Pretty exciting.

Wellington Dragonboat Festival: the corporate race is next Sat 15 March - pretty exciting.

Speaking to WGC next week about Uni and Science: pretty exciting.

Work: my ideas are coming into fruition - so I'm pretty excited and nervous at the same time. My performance says something about me, that's obvious, but equally importantly, it reflects the person who recommended me. The slightly annoying things is that I seem to be asked for ideas/opinions on a million things and responsible for several concurrent projects. I expected to receive more hands - actual people to help me do things, not just direct me to how I can do it myself. Sure, the latter is helpful, but I just don't have enough hours in the day to do it all. And to be honest, my time is probably better spent thinking of ideas, how they'll work and communicating them to people. If I have to spend too much time executing, that's time lost for me to relay those visions to someone else before I leave. In any case, it's not really my decision. And if the company doesn't have the infrastructure or personnel to execute at this time or work with me, we'll just have to put that in place before I leave. Also, I feel like I have changed here. I feel like this little community has a place inside me that I hadn't really felt move before. I don't know what it is and I don't have a name for it.

10,000 steps challenge: pretty cool idea! I've practiced for 4 days - starts Mon 10 March. I'm not in the IT team, for some reason. But a good chance to meet the HSE people. =) It also helps that I'm biking and running quite a bit. I can't wait to do a half marathon.

TA/WGC project: brainstorming/starting is pretty exciting. I'm worried that I won't have much time to devote to it, but I feel confident about the people who have committed to this. So I think it'll be alright and I think it's a great thing that's happening.

Paper editing/submission: fully fully excited about it and hope it happens. It's sort of weird that Uni seems so far away now. Even that feeling of painfully wanting to go back to the lab seems to have faded. Don't get me wrong, I'm still quite aware that it is still what I want to do, but all of the feelings seem to have merged with some fantasy land that I know doesn't exist. I think that's good because then I won't go back with those glorified expectations. Maybe this is what I'm learning.

Insomnia?: I've slipped into my insomniac habits of waking up at 4 AM and not being able to get back to sleep for a good hour or so. So I'm getting very little and very disrupted sleep. I am tired. And when I'm getting a longer period of sleep, I am having very strange dreams. I can still remember some of them and the content is bizarre with non-existent morality or any grounding on reality. It's a little bit troubling and yet completely intriguing that my mind would conjure up such behaviour.

Relationships: I've had some recent feelings/thoughts about relationships. There's one in which I feel lied to, but that perhaps the lie serves both parties advantages, so that maybe it's ok. Nonetheless, it's still an insult to my intelligence that they should lie to me. There's another in which I feel like I should be able to trust openly, but I don't because of a suspicious feeling that won't go away and because of certain things that this person does that makes me feel judged all the time. So is it just me or am I warranted? I should trust my gut instincts more...

I've also been thinking about long-term relationships or marriage and having to learn to fall in love with your partner constantly because people change. I find that really interesting and peculiar. I wonder how people do it and what the motivation is.


]]> Thu, 06 Mar 2008 12:03:00 EST http://cherrie.tigblog.org/post/342283 -36.8666667 174.7666667 -36.8666667 174.7666667