Gah I've just sort of realised how very weird and strange I've been acting lately. Really really peculiar. Like, inside I feel pretty much the same or even slightly improved (like, more accepting and so forth), but thinking over the past couple of weeks, my behaviour has been really strange. I'm really really puzzled.

I've gone from being totally feeling bummed to elated to mundane... from light-hearted work to comfortable confidence to heightened intimidation and hysteria. I keep being really impulsive and yet over-analytical. I keep feeling tired, but restless at the same time. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm carefree and stressed at the same time. I care, but I don't.

What is wrong with me? It's freaking me out!!!

In other notes, a good friend asked me the other day whether I'd ever "risked my heart" and I responded with "possibly in every way except romantically". I don't know why I said that - I suppose it makes sense in that I put my heart into everything and every person that I feel is worth my time and effort. I know it means that it's a huge risk for disappointment and hurt, but why not? But then maybe I still haven't really risked my heart at all? I know, that's not a new notion, but I still like to think that my experiential and emotional ranges are large enough to have empathy for such things. I mean, I don't know - whatever. I'm so screwed.

Man I totally bombed today in the lab meeting. Quite disappointed in myself really. And people think I'm "competitive"... I mean, I don't think I am in the sense that everybody thinks so. I just like to achieve the best I can. If I see other people doing better, then I want to try and raise my own standards because I've seen what is possible. I don't necessarily want to "compete" and "beat them" in that sense. I don't actually care. I don't care about the glory or rewards or anything that comes with that sort of competition. But being aware of the "bar" is important in setting standards for yourself. Am I right or am I right? Gees. I don't know. I sort of like these moments in life when I really hate myself and am really disappointed in myself. It motivates me to do better and it usually means something good comes out of it. Doesn't mean I don't still hate myself, though. Crappadoo.