Resolutions for 2010
- be less angry
- be less cynical
- be present when communicating (too lost in my head, particularly during small talk)
- find healthy outlets for my feelings
- plan ahead, to make better use of time
- be assertive
- stop involuntarily losing weight (I keep skipping meals by accident)
Ok, fine, you want some concrete goals (I didn't actually do that well with
last year's goals):
- follow a healthy daily routine, e.g.
- get into bed by 10:30 p.m., which means I have to
- get home by 9 p.m. so that I can actually eat (technically, it should be 8:30 p.m., but I'll have a smaller meal), but that means, I have to
- get up at 6 a.m. to have enough hours in the day
- take up a new hobby that minimises interaction with people, i.e.
- get my driver's license (despite having no car, nor potential car in near future)
- follow a more disciplined exercise routine, e.g.
- at least 2 sessions/week to train for the full marathon
- at least one has to be a run (maybe the other can be at the gym)
- no Facebook at work
- I've actually blocked it (see tutorial)
- this goes alongside no video or audio (as it has always been!!!)
- headphones/iPod only while exercising, i.e.
- not for walking between uni and home
Basically, I think I use Facebook and my iPod as ways to drown/numb my feelings, with the side-effect being it also numbs my thoughts. So, I really should deal with my feelings some other way. I also think Fb saturates my brain with unnecessary information about people and things I don't care about.
Let's Reduce 2009 Into A Self-Reflective Summary =S
It's been varied and interesting. To be very honest, I found it overwhelming. Things about life, people, Science, me have been new and well, lots of it. I have tried to read to build some sense, but I sort of wish that someone would just explain to me what's going on.
I define friendship differently.
I know what it feels like to lose motivation and confidence. If you add desperation, it gets ugly. Now I know how powerful negative feelings are and how they can hijack my logic and working memory. Also, how hypersensitivity reduces my ability to learn/receive constructive criticism.
I think I define love a little differently.
A thing that kept me going was remembering that lots of people/society have put in a tremendous amount of time and money into raising me and funding lessons/experiences that have shaped me thus far. I have no excuse to not achieve or at least try.
It's like I have to learn not to sail into the wind. It's like that's all I've been doing. And I've been stalling.
So many times I thought I "got" something, but hadn't at all, e.g. (1) I thought I accepted that nothing is "perfect", but then I dismiss my data, my analytical method(s), my thinking; (2) I knew that the big picture, balance and variety are important for creativity and problem-solving and yet I get stuck in the minute details; (3) I thought I understood to not take criticism personally, but actually - how else do you take it? With sugar?. When did this chasm between knowing and doing form in me? But when will I know I understand anything, if I will never know how deep it can actually go? And because we could go on discovering/understanding forever, should I just buy into this _faith_ that I will one day understand _enough_?
Why is it that I spend so much time in (meta)^n-cognition instead of using my mind to deal with reality? Why, instead of playing the game, do I spend my time asking about the value and origin of the game at universal, societal and personal levels? But this is my game? Why do I even do this? How does it help propagate my genes, exactly? Why am I such an alien!!! A mediocre alien!
I wonder if anyone will ever know about all the other parts of me, my stories. Why have I never had a best friend? I don't know.
This blatant lack of structure and "summary" was pretty much what 2009 was. But at least the feelings come through. 2009: the year of feeling. Let it end.
