I haven't really been motivated to blog lately. I am not sure why. Maybe too busy. Maybe nothing to say. Anywho, I will now make an effort to document some recent events and thoughts. I think the reality is that I haven't had any revelations lately. In fact, thoughts that arise seem to be just different representations of conclusions already drawn. True, this still broadens my perspective, but these days it feels almost as if I can answer anything life throws at me.

Whoa.

What a phenomenal thing to claim. I know there are a million and one things left to experience and a even more thoughts to be had. But I mean that I think I can take on new challenges. I think I have a full enough toolbox of skills, reason and friends to deal with most things. It is a little daunting to think that this "state" has been reached and yet I feel like I could grow so much more and experience so much more. I am eager to climb that curve, but something is also telling me to enjoy the ride now. And I am.

I credit this feeling to all of you who have influenced my life. My development as a person is a reflection of the brilliance that exists around me. I seek to serve as a dynamic lens through which inspiration is magnified and focussed. I seek to serve as an expanding window through which opportunities are seen. I can only guess what people around me think. I can only absorb the minute droplets that hint at what they acknowledge. But that's okay. It's okay because I am what I am - a thing that strives to be better. There is no great, noble end that will present itself when I cease to exist. Those results are seen today and everyday. Yes, the impact of my existence comes into fruition every instant. We cannot wait.

Now I will express some little "thoughtlets" I've had (with intermissions of "event updates")

2 April - suckiness and sucking less

Well that was the day I gave my *unexpected* first presentation to the lab group. I was nervous even though many people weren't even there, like CS and MW. Anywho, I had sort of prepared a speech and presentation, but it was a meagre first "draft" and I had NOT gone through my speech at all.

However.

That does NOT give me any excuse to SUCK as much as I did (as indicated by many "condolence-like" comments afterwards). And in fact, I was not looking for an excuse, I was trying to overcome the problem. Of course I already knew what the problem was, but I underestimated the extent to which it would affect me. The problem was that I was intimidated by having to present my "thoughts" to people who are overwhelmingly more experienced and knowledgeable in the field. I mean, most other "presentations" I have done have been regarding things that can hardly be disputed - my opinion, my life.

Anyway, I am not sure how I overcame that, but I have somehow shifted my mindset since then and just got over it. I mean, sure, it must have something to do with my pride. And sure, it must have something to do with my insecurities over my intelligence. Whatever.

10 - 12 April - collision of worlds (I) - family in auckland

It's always a bit strange when my different worlds merge together. For some reason, I've always kept different parts of my life separate. I've never told my parents much about what I did at school. I've never told people at school much about my family life. The technology life is strangely separate. My life in Auckland, HK strangely separate. I don't think it is because I am "different" in each one, nor that I'm secretive. Perhaps I just don't really dwell on such things and I can't really be bothered to explain the context, etc.

I mean, sometimes they merge and I quite enjoy it. Sometimes I try to merge them if people are interested. It's exhilarating to have things that I love separately come together. It's some sort of constructive interference. :P

I was quite annoyed with myself because I was quite stressed out about various things I (still) have to do for school stuff and yet I wanted to spend maximal time with the family. Remember I have a huge issue with this because of "2001". In hindsight (about a week's worth), I think it went OK. But I was a bit more annoyed that I would have liked to be. I mean, I was pretty tired - but I still don't like being all snappy and stuff like that. I described it in this way to DB - my family are so excited to see me because they have this image of who I am. Therefore, I want to try my best to meet this expectation (to make them happy). However, I will always fall short because I'm a bit more impatient, a bit more grumpy that I'd like to be. Despite this, they will always enjoy their time because they care for me unconditionally. So it's a bit of an unnecessary worry. But because they make it unnecessary, it makes me want to try harder. Does that make sense?

11 April - collision of worlds (II)- DB in auckland

What began as a hectic, tightly-scheduled and planned morning turned out to be quite fun and spontaneous. I like surprising people, although I'm not sure it was all that unexpected, since I am me, afterall. Well, I like to think it was appreciated.

I must say that some matters related to this topic was draining me at that time. However, I think recently I've come to resolve this problem and the game is being played again.

13 April - black friday class party and woosh

Oh this issue does not even deserve any space on here. But this is just to document that yes, it happened and yes, AUSA is just slightly retarded. I guess I should add in here that Woosh is also retarded.

Teaching: Show vs. Tell

At some point during the week I had a thought about showing someone how to do something versus telling someone what to do. This was because while talking to the other students in the class, someone said something along the lines of how there's nothing like being thrown in the deep end to make you learn quickly and to remember. I started to wonder whether this was true. I mean, surely if you were shown, then the transfer of skills would be more efficient and you could focus on improving on what is already known as opposed to starting from scratch. I guess the advantage in starting with less information is that you then have a bit more freedom with your creativity and you could perhaps come up with something novel. I wonder where the balance lies and how one could judge. It is perhaps something that a good teacher needs to be able to put a finger on quite quickly - otherwise how do they know how far to push a student?

I guess this brings forth the larger question I always have - how to balance between efficiency and creativity. I mean, they are not necessarily opposing things, but if you think of say, an operational task and creative task, which would you rather do? To me, it seems that an effective and worthwhile creative task will also be efficient (depending on the brief to be fulfilled), while an operational task may be more efficient if the person takes on an open-minded approach to the "procedures" that need to be undertaken. I think my mind operates in the middle of that continuum. While an extremely creative task may scare the hell out of me (because creativity takes originality and some level of spontaneity), an operational task may also scare the hell of out me (due to sheer-boredom-leading-to-death syndrome).

19 - 20 April - lab trip to leigh

Our lab (that's MC, DC, LZ, PC, NK(1), NK(2), CS, IJ, MW and myself) and GC's lab involved with the heart failure project went away to the Leigh Marine Laboratory to spend a day and a half getting to know each other and discussing our research - where we're at and where we would like to be. This obviously means presentations. From every person. I'm a person. Hm.

The presentation In brief, I think I overcame the problem mentioned before. The presentation was *perhaps* "better" because there were fewer sympathetic compliments. However, I do recall a comment made by one of the people from GC's lab and I'm not sure what to make of that because I don't know them. Conclusion - discard. MW mentioned something right after the presentation. But I think she would have said that regardless of how it went just because she's such a nice person. PC made a comment during dinner, but we were all alcomaholed. Slightly. I'm not sure what MC thought of it, but I *think* I saw a smile right after the presentation, so that's cool. I mean, I'm just so used to deciphering body language and picking up the tiniest bit of approval from almost undetectable body language. I mean, parentals have always never been very expressive of their pride (in the past) and that's cool. I mean, I've been cool with that for a good...oh, 7 years or so. But I do remember the times when it was not so cool.

But there is a lot of room for improvement. For example, I would still like to be able to a) dance around my slides and b) take note of and respond to the reaction of the audience as I am presenting. Yes yes, it means be more dynamic. It means being more comfortable with what I know about my topic. It means being more comfortable in my own skin in front of an audience. Problem identified? Yes. Onward to resolution? Yes (hopefully).

Communication Sometimes I wonder whether my command of English is really of English at all. Maybe just a language that appears to be English. For example, take questions and answers. Sometimes when I hear other people's questions and answers, the answer centres around a point that I did not expect or think was the point of the question. But others seem OK with it. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm misinterpreting the question and/or answer or because people are clever with their avoidance of answering questions directly.

The dinner So I thought that the whole retreat thing was going to be weird and awkward, but I actually had such an awesome time. The first day was full of interesting presentations, good food and good company. Then, dinner was great - many awesome conversations and just basically a good, fun time. (It still surprises me from time to time that I like socialising.) Many thanks to DC for a b'day drink. :) Note to all, I am NOT an alcoholic. Anyway, I had a blast during dinner - I just love being able to sit with people and interrogate them about everything under the stars. I love being able to flit around different mini-conversation groups and join in. I love being able to laugh and make other people laugh. I love the sounds of chatter floating above a background of funk-ay music. Yes, the music was pretty funk-ay. Sometimes not in a good way. :P

It just emphasised how good these people are. These are just wonderful, amazing people. I am always so surprised and grateful to know such wonderful people. I am in honest disbelief half the time I am alive. The other half, I'm asleep. OK, fine I don't get that much sleep. I just think people in general can be so adorable and cute. I spent the 15 minutes before my presentation just running around hugging PC, NK(1) and LZ. I mean, I'm not entirely sure where my personal space went and I'm not entirely sure they appreciated their personal spaces violated. But I just didn't care at that point. I needed comfort and reassurance and I was going to get it. I'm grateful that they were there.

I don't know why there is the residual image of my "large personal space". I know I used to curl away a lot, but I actually do like hugs now. For the record. :P In fact, I am pretty sure they can solve 3/4 of all stupid problems I have. Oh look at me, I'm growing into my own skin. Aren't you proud! :P

Well, anyway, my GI hadn't been feeling well all that day, so I hadn't had much to eat, but a lot of caffeine. I couldn't really get to sleep (NK insisted on going for a walk at 1am), so got up at 5am to wander around the campus. It was dark, so I waited in the common room for the sun to rise. As I was browsing through "Conversations with God" by Neale somebody, the cat jumped on me, nudged the book closed and began to snuggle up to me. That. Was. Most. Frightening. At first. You know how I have/had this aversion to furry animals up close. I mean, that's where old-Cherrie personal space was evidently gone. The kitty was cute and purred a lot as it pushed against my body. It was fine until 15 mins had passed and I was seriously bored with it (and sort of annoyed at how indulgent it was being). And it left fur all over my black pants and yellow hoody. Gees.

As soon as the sun rose (sometime between 6 and 6:30am), I ran out to take photos and enjoy the fresh air. Truly amazing scenery. It was good to spend some time alone, but it would have been cool to have organised someone to walk with.

Apparently MC was already up at this time (I did notice that his car was gone, but wasn't completely sure since I don't really take note of car models and colours and all that stuff) to do his presentation. I had a thought that maybe I would have been able to help him with his presentation since I was already awake, but hey, what can I offer? ...Well, one thing - "black text on blue backgrounds are not good for powerpoints". :P But I wonder if he did that on purpose. I mean, it does bring the attention back to the speaker as opposed to having the people's attention on the slides. I think that's a good and clever thing because it's really the presenter that makes a good presentation. And of course, he is a good presenter. I mean, lots of people have said this before, but good presenters have to love entertaining people and performing in front of people. I mean, I've sort of always enjoyed doing both (even though it may have taken me a while to realise it) to some extent. It is always awesome to see people's eyes light up as they watch you do your thing. That's why I've always played around with the dream of being a singer. It would be so cool to have an amazing voice and just go around inspiring people with it. I mean, music is a universal language, right?

21 April - collison of worlds (III) - mc, jk and kv

Last night I enjoyed a lovely dinner with the above people. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I really enjoyed catching up with MC(2), especially - I don't know how long it has been. Once again, I'm reminded of why I became friends with my-friends in the first place. Through all the not-so-good times, there remains reason(s) why I admire them. These impressions always last for some reason. Like, the people who were not friends to start off with are never as close or good friends as people you click with right away. I don't know how this detector/radar system develops or works. We seem to attract similar types of people towards us throughout life as well. The people I admire are very similar in essence, even though they may be interested in different things or express themselves differently. Noone could replace another. I would so so so love to have them all in the same place to meet each other. I would love to see their reactions.

Oh, in other notes I have started reading the Universe in a Nutshell by Hawkings. In my spare time. i.e. 2am in the morning. :p Interesting though. It's like remembering the play-thoughts you had as a kid about how the world works - then reading - hey, some clever schmo has mathemetically proven it ... oh and some other clever schmos have made instruments to measure it! Lovely! If only I could have done that!

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