Today and Yesterday
Yesterday was not a good day for feelings and thoughts. I was super tired and things were weighing heavily. No, I don't feel guilty
per se, I just wish he had come to me for help or that I had seen the signs. You know? I pride myself in being able to detect and absorb worry/pain and it just didn't work this time. Or did it? I will never know. I rediscovered some old emails the other day and they made me smile.
But, I wrote this yesterday (and never got around to publishing it):
This is so much harder than I thought it would be...
There is so much to do and so little time... I'm trying so hard to get past these feelings and confusions quickly so I can get on with my work and make these deadlines. I feel stressed and unhappy and unable. Yet I feel excited about the challenge and happy about my interests. It's like - throughout the day I'm ok, ok, ok, ok then - my mind quivers. And a rush of sadness overcomes me and shocks me.
Sometimes I think - at times like this, it would be GREAT to have a boyfriend who I could just call over and have a shoulder (or pectoralis) to lean on.
I mean, I just feel so uncomfortable. All the aches and pains are enhanced. My insecurities are enhanced. My ability to harness the power in stress is stunted. What to do...what to do... *rings hands*
Work
Anyway, there is SO much work to do now for papers and stuff, it's crazy.
My Birthday
I want to thank KV and NW for always being there for me and convincing me to enjoy my birthday. I also want to thank NM and MB for the same things. The combination of having people text/email/phone me all day was just overwhelmingly brilliant. Earlier on last week, I wondered why everything had to happen at once - the thought was out of despair. But now I realise it was a blessing because my everyone saying hello reminded me of so many good things and I was happy again. In this way, I was reminded that I can feel happy again. In this way, my thoughts became clear again. I want to thank everyone who made contact with me - for remembering. That is really all I ever wanted for all my birthdays.
On Monday, the lab sang happy birthday, which was so nice of them and almost brought me to tears because so many emotions were going through me. Thank goodness I had LZ's balloon to cover my face. I love the balloon. I want to thank the lab as well because they are so tolerant of every weird and selfish thing I do. I don't know how they do it.
The Letter
Oh, by the way, I sent the letter today.
