People wear sunglasses at funerals to hide the red, pulpy masses that are their eyes. People also wear sunglasses for the bright, life-giving sunlight.

What I'm trying to say is, there must be something alright about life, about myself, about people, if I can fathom a future when still healing from loss. Maybe its this vertical shift of my "mean stress"^*1 levels that has pushed me to think about what I want and to realise what's important. Nonetheless, it's not fun to exist at this stress level - and it hurts - mostly physically, as it seems a lot of the mental and emotional stress has shifted that way. I don't know what that means. Anyway, I shall now discuss some thoughts.

Paper Schmapers

As a scientist one needs to communicate the results of their research to contribute to society in a) knowledge and b) solutions (to problems). One such mode of communication is via publication of papers in peer-reviewed journals. An indicator of your "success" as a scientist may be some mathematical arrangement of the number of papers you have published in relation to the impact factor of the journals in which they were published and the number of times your papers have been cited by other peer-reviewed papers (and possibly their impact factors and how they are cited by other papers and their impact factors and so forth...=P). Your ability to "succeed" in contributing to society is a major factor in determining your ability to receive funding to continue your research. Thus, many researchers focus on publishing papers for a) their livelihood and b) continuation of contributing to society.

But I don't consider publishing as a means to an end. Do you? Should I? Publishing is exciting, yes. Writing is fun, yes. Being peer-reviewed is exciting. Creating work in a collaborative manner with inspiring colleagues in the form of structured figures and words is exciting... I can't wait to publish my first paper... I digress.

But it's only a side-effect of loving science, right? If you enjoy what you're doing, something about being 'happy' will make you succeed at a level (i.e. breadth and depth) that will probably be picked up by mathematical gauges (see above). That is, if you focus on doing science, as opposed to publishing papers, then papers will be published and you will continue doing your science. Does that make sense?

Of course, we have to consider the consequences of publishing - you have shown off what you've done with other awesome people, now what? It extends opportunity for further collaborations, further employment opportunities, further ideas, further clarification, refinement... reducing error to truth (whatever that is) and hopefully helping millions of people (and everything else) along the way.

But being published won't necessarily do that. Surely, being open (but wise), able to communicate well and compassionate (or empathetic) towards worldly/important issues will pave the road to that end - helping other people.

Right? I don't know. I always have such naive airy fairy views of the world - perhaps a"dreamer" (uh-oh, Lennon reference) who is paradoxically (I only use this word because I've read way too many papers recently) grounded. Scattered, but determined. Interested in a whole bunch of things, but focussed on achieving one main thing. It's seemingly conflicting and very tiring... but also motivating. Also reminds me of stingrays combing the sandy bottoms of the sea. Wide and deep. Fast, yet focussed such that if you can determine its location, you cannot determine its speed and vice versa. The big picture and the details. The past, present and future. Isn't it weird how our mind does such convoluted things to space and time?

Anyway, I talked to MC about PhD-ness today. Hm. I guess I should explain the questions I have been pondering for oh, maybe a year or two now^*2. So anyway, the questions.

1. Should I do a PhD
• am I able to do one?
• is research what I want to do?
• do I need to get a PhD to stay in research?
2. Where do I do a PhD?
• where do I want to go in my life?
• what other things do I want to do in my life?

I guess those are the fundamental questions. When it comes down to it, it's quite simple (now that I've decided :P) - I do want to do a PhD - whether or not I can is up to the future (with my best efforts of course, otherwise why do anything) and research is what I want to do simply because a) I enjoy it day-to-day and b) I think the bigger picture of furthering knowledge for itself and to help solve problems is very worthwhile. Career in science? Definitely.

I should talk about money here because people always seem to bring that up (and by reflex and sometimes necessity, I also bring it up) and my stance has always been that if I have enough to live on and to support my family, then I'm good. Any more than that is quite irrelevant. Granted, if I had more, I could buy more things for my family and/or donate it and/or put it to good use in developing programmes, buying equipment for research, sponsoring people, etc, etc - but anything and everything has possibilities and I could find ways to help under any circumstance - i.e. with or without the extra money. Plus, we all know that money does not directly solve anything - not even monetary debt - you have to address the underlying issue(s).

The second question is the hard one right now. Well, actually it shouldn't be because I'd made up my mind. I want to do it here. Previously, I'd been having trouble because there are considerations such as a) accommodation, b) other life goals, c) research direction (remember I majored in Cancer), d) family. Research direction into cardiac physiology - well I'd given up Cancer in the middle of third year I suppose when I fell in love with biophysics and that sort of thing. Also, I reason that research in any medical field is potentially contributory to society and further, cardiac diseases account for much higher rates of morbidity and mortality than cancer (do NOT ask me to reference that). My other life goals are diverse in size and in area (haha, pun...or pseudo-repetition?) - from needing to get my driver's license to wanting to volunteer (seriously), work for CE (do I? I should think about that), travel, have a family...blah blah blah. I came down to the conclusion that I can only really focus on the smaller and short-term things because I have almost no control over what happens, say in a few years (and even within the next few years). I do want to be close to my family - I resolved this on the thought that if the world's countries became isolated/destroyed one day, I would want to be close to them. But I also place great value in independence and in seeking new people/relationships - that is establishing new "families" and "friends", not to replace any other, but for the sake of friendship itself.

So now we come to the logistical things - accommodation here is basically sorted, with a few complications, while overseas PhDs require sorting out a whole bunch of things. Details. Quite irrelevant in comparison to what I WANT TO DO. So here's the big question - do I want to stay in this lab? Does the lab want me to stay here? (And knowing you knowing me, I stupidly care more about this question than the first). I guess there are two issues a) do I enjoy the people b) what does it mean for my career. Yes, the people are awesome. Now. The demographics of a research group changes quite rapidly over a few years. I suppose you could argue that the PIs stay relatively constant. Well, not judging by next door's events. If my supervisors FReAKING DITCHED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PhD, I WOULD FReAKING ... I don't know, do something. Get mad ...and resigned ...and sad. And in terms of my "career", I do think this is the best lab... That I know of... I don't know that many and the opinions I get are biased. But hey. It seems pretty good now, both in social interactions and in overarching philosophies/approaches. MC said I should choose the best lab as well. That really didn't give me any clues as to where this lab may be heading though in terms of stability. But hell, maybe I should just take that chance. Maybe I should just friggin' ask. What a munter, Cherrie.

I still sort of dislike Auckland, though. Oxford? Maybe I should talk to more people. I'm always worried that I'm taking the easy way out by choosing the more "stable" or "sure" way. I like to test my character and change as y'all know. If I compare trying to get into Oxford and trying to get (back) into here, well, Oxford would be more trying. By my approach to life, I would choose Oxford simply on that basis. But this is a case where consideration of the destination (as opposed to emphasising the journey) is really important. Getting a degree at Oxford is good for my CV and employability (they only employ people who studied there) and moving to England would be good just to scare the living daylights out of me. But I like it here now and I think I could potentially do some awesome stuff here and continue a great chapter. In that sense, the harder road may be to stay here because people have certain expectations already and should understand my strengths and weaknesses. And running away from familiar places and people I care about - well, it wouldn't be a first, would it? (not that I mean to do it, necessarily)

So should I stay or should I go?

Mind you, I make the most of every situation anyway, so even if you stuck me in a gutter, I'd enjoy the sparkles in the rain.

So maybe the decision is not that important.

Meh.


Oh, just a tidbit - For the first time - really - I felt quite excited about the fact that I'm "growing up"... that is, I am an adult now! Wow - so many opportunities ahead!!! Exciting!

*1 Everyone's stress levels fluctuate over time. I think my mean stress level at normal times are above the average person's. But that's ok - it's what RB calls eustress and I tend to agree. If it shortens my life by a few years, so be it. But lately, my mean stress level has increased close to the previous peaks, leading me to a) cope less well with stress and emotions in general, b) less able to harness the power in stress, c) feel fatigued such that my physical aches and certain conditions are literally worsened... but at least now I know what an old person feels like! Spine, muscle pain, previously twisted ankles, RSI in both wrists, arms and shoulders, various hormonal issues, various gastrointestinal issues... like, seriously - what the hell.
*2 Before that I had my master plan of getting so big in developing something so awesome that I would be bought out by Microsoft and I would then use the money to fund cancer research, the cure for which I find when I'm about 24-25 - then I hop over to Sweden to get my Nobel prize and/or die silently somewhere before even being nominated... and that was my life)
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