When I observe selfless acts, my stability is renewed. A sense of hope settles down and grounds me.

When I experience receiving from a selfless act - what am I to do? I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, it's hard to remember what was wrong in the first place and what I did to deserve it. It's even harder to figure out what I can do to return it. How do I thank you, MC?

I can't hold anymore than I can. But I'd like to try. There are those people who always want to help others, yet you can see that they struggle with much the same problems. How is it that these people are so willing to give up so much for others and yet fail to help themselves? Am I talking about myself as well now?

When having a nice chat with NM last night, I pondered about the cliché that one must look after oneself before looking after others. But I think that is quite misleading because a) when exactly will you finish looking after yourself? when you're dead?! then how can you look after anyone else?! and b) isn't it true that you learn to look after yourself by looking after others?

I guess then, I have to admit - that it is true you learn to love yourself by loving others... and I guess, letting others love you.

Weird world.

Is it weird to say that I've been pretty happy with my life and the experiences I've had - grateful and happy for every single thing? Like - I would be totally content if I died tomorrow, yet I would also be pissed off I didn't get to do things like fall in love and have a family? Does it even make sense to be satisfied and yet want more? I suppose the distinction lies in satisfaction in the past and now, while I expect/want more from the future.

I know I always bring this up, but I really truly cannot understand why people like me. And I still don't understand what it means to "open up".

On thinking more about those people I am grateful for, I'm not sure if it's that they're all a bit like me or I'm a bit like all of them or perhaps I see (or would like to see) myself in them. Anyway, I'm just grateful to have met so many to inspire me. I feel like so many things have been placed on my lap - so many people and so many events to inspire me, accompany me, laugh with me, look after me, push me, test me, try me - all to teach me whatever lessons I can glean from them. It matches quite well with my weird capacity to learn. To add to the weirdness, for some reason, I really really want to help other people - at the individual level through to the worldy level. So it feels like I'm priming for something huge. WHAT IS IT THAT I WILL DO? I guess I just have to keep trying hard at everything I do and just keep throwing myself at things that seem worthwhile. Am I doing it already? Am I working like a droplet causing waves? Are there heaps of little droplets around the world who feel the same as me? And as a side-note, these are purely rhetorical questions. For who could answer them? No-one. Would I want the answers to be given to me so easily? No. People can talk to me about it, that's fine. But I won't take anyone's opinion as absolute - no matter how much they mean to me or how much I respect them. Why would you want anyone to tell you your future?