Everything is because we are unable to cannot capture all of the information required to reassemble truth.

Should we try even though it's impossible? Perhaps. We must sample widely and completely.

We live observing and collecting, trying to understand with what we use to lift the haze that shrouds our observations. I wonder why clarity is held to such high esteem and how that came to be. Such little things can distort and change everything you observe and interpret.

I'm so humbled to be in this lab. I'm so grateful I work with people who are kind and know what they are doing at the same time. They seem like such simple asks, but have proven extremely difficult to find. If I am a lens, then they are shaping me to be a better one. Sometimes there's dust that distorts my view. I hope it's not cracked.

I often think about how I came to end up here. It feels right for me to be here, because I am learning things I want to learn and being changed in a direction I want to go. But how I came to be here was mostly chance, or rather, based on reasons I cannot know... very Chaos-Theory-esque, I know, but how did I choose my original summer studentship? I did not know anything about the people in this lab or even the fact that research is grouped into labs. I remembered CS from Physics 160 and Physiol 210 and liked the way he explained things and I thought the project sounded understandable/interesting. But remember I had applied for other ones, too, all of which didn't go very far in the first few days of trying. In hindsight, everything fell into place for me without a lot of effort - even though I intellectually know that I put a lot of work in researching the topics to find out which one I liked the sound of and I know that psychologically, the description may have conveyed a sense of the attitude and ability of the group... but you know? It seems like such a small thing in comparison to the wealth of...richness I have gained here. It seems so opportunist. It reaffirms my value of always trying - hard and at everything. But it also amazes me just how little control we have over anything. Indeed, everything IS blurry and unresolved - but there is actually very little we can do about it. Should we try? Sure, why not. But enjoy the ride, eh!

I think that's why I've been so stressed out lately. You know, not the stress I like, but the stress that bogs me down with aches and stuff - because I feel helpless. It's because I've noticed the "diameter of my life" (or "numerical aperture" for some) being reduced in these first few months of honours and indeed regarding several issues over my entire life. Not because of any pressure from anyone else, but from my own inability to realise/accept what was happening. Regarding these past few months, I let my life become the lab, the apartment and the internet. And even then the apartment is just a physical place that my body sits in occasionally. My mind has been obsessed with the lab people and lab work and it's just crazy. It really is. Then the whole news about DP just gave me even another excuse to be reclusive. It frustrates me because his death should be telling me to do the exact opposite. He is shouting at me not to push opportunities away. He is shouting at me to let go of those things that reduce my numerical aperture and screaming at me to accept.

...I am CHERRIE. MY LIFE IS WIDE. That is what I'm known for. But what have I become this year? I enjoy the lab way too much - so don't mistake this for unhappiness. But to be healthy and to last the longer race, I need to take it in moderation.

*sigh* I've never had much self-control and you know it.

Also I have a sneaking suspicion that's why I let people called be Cherrie (hard ch) instead of Cherrie (soft ch). It's some weird identity separation thing I need to deal with. Holy crap Cherrie, get a grip. Just let it be, life is simple. Happiness = hugs = chai lattes = RAM = high-speed internet = good hair = music = art = writing... you know, once you start equating everything that makes you happy, you can realise what sort of (good) person you are. :)