Microsoft Surface [link] seems cool!!!

Happenings

Several things happened today to partially alleviate some of my anger and general paranoia. I had a brief conversation with SM and it helped ease some of the paranoia I had about what people in the BIRU thought of me. I don't think I've mentioned it here, but a) I felt pressured to do well because of the lab I work with and, b) I felt frustrated because I thought they thought I was arrogant or pretentious and I didn't know how to ameliorate that. Now, I'm not saying that I would let this pressure deter me from doing the best I can, nor would I not be who I am 85% of the time, but I do notice myself holding back from asking questions or suggesting answers. I don't like this because a) none of my speculations have been verified, and b) self-oppression is truly horrible. Well, when I say verification, I mean direct verification. There have been other pieces of evidence like defensiveness, looks and "jokes" like, "we are expecting more from you" or "oh, you're the girl who wrote the essay on TIRF". I mean, thank you I am flattered and quite excited about this "reputation", but you know I'm a worry-wart, right? Ah, well everything is a double-edged sword, two-sided coin, multi-faceted thing. So I'm actually quite excited. :P

Even being a part of the BBRG stresses me out a little. I mean, everyone knows so much - between MC and CS I think I could get explanations for anything. Crazy huh? I mean, not just any explanation (coz I could give you explanations for anything as well, only you'd say most of it was bullshit), but reasonable ones. Anyway, so I think I find it a bit stressful because I want to exceed their expectations, but because of their calibre they have high expectations...so I don't know if I can live up to that. But then I always try for things I don't know if I can do. But I have the belief that I might be able to. So I guess that's all that matters. And they are here to help me, which is the most humbling thought that my mind can conjure at this point. I think the thing I stress most about is the fact that I appear stressed to them, regardless of whether I am stressed or not. I don't want them to be more lenient because they think I'm getting to stressed. I can make my own choices. I want to be given every opportunity to be the best I can and improve the most I can. I suppose I should have to make and seek my own opportunities as well. I guess I worry they don't know that when I am hysterical I am just being dramatic, while my real stressed self appears more quiet. Mostly when I am stressed as such, it is because I don't really understand the source. Usually it's about life or relationships or my personal development. Academic or intellectual things don't really stress me out to that point. And also, a little bit of stress keeps me going - otherwise I don't think I would ever get anything done. I just enjoy everything too much, you know? I could get distracted by almost anything, so I need a proper motivator (like stress or fear of being ordinary) to point me in a particular direction. But I was pretty annoyed the other night when MC asked if I wanted to review a paper and I jokingly said no and he freaking asked IJ to review it!!! Did he actually take my no seriously or did he think twice because he thought I was stressed? I don't know. Either way I'm pissed off at myself for saying no. And then the other day at lab meeting, IJ mentioned that the going rate for PhD scholarships was 4 per student and it just stressed me out a teeny bit because as you may have already guessed, it means I have to get 5 or more to be extra-ordinary. This is the basis of the Cherrie Criterion.

So the theme thus far has been concerns about what a) faculty people think of me, b) lab people think of me... so we shall close with what c) classmates think of me. I was a tad worried last week that they might think I'm a 'know-it-all' or arrogant or unkind or whatever... and to be honest, I don't really care. If they think that, they don't know me. I try to be nice and I help people whom I think deserve help. Thus far I've managed to attract lots of interesting people to be friends (let's forget about the weird creepy ones) - so therefore, I am no longer even slightly concerned. They can judge all they want. What makes my thought towards them different to those, say, in the lab? It really depends on how much I respect them... so I cannot really state per se, which group I care about... because it depends on the person. And I think I can pretty safely say I only stick around people I respect. Now, I know that I "shouldn't" care too much about what people think of me, but I DO care, because it affects how I can help them. I need people to like me and trust me in order for me to help them. I know I can help them because I'm a good listener and problem-solver and have an open-mind to all sorts of issues. I have a wide (sometimes a bit too wide for my coping) emotional range with which to understand people. So I do care what people think of me. I really do.

In conclusion, the Cherrie Criterion states she must simultaneously observe her position and velocity such that she keeps interesting company, travels at maximal acceleration and leaves a lasting trail. In other words, she must stick around good people, be the best she can be and to share life/lessons/knowledge/love with others. Oh, if you know stuff about quantum physics, it says you cannot know the position and velocity of a particle at the same time, which makes the criterion all the more hilarious (it defies quantum theory). I love irony, don't you? But I refuse to believe that the criterion is self-destructive and/or holds potential for eternal dissatisfaction. You are wrong, so there.

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From Cherrieland