I am rather shocked at how little people know about me even though I think I am being open. So apparently they take my words to mean nothing and depend more on their interpretations of the little they observe of me. Wow, just like me! And also very like me to play with the words so much that people have no idea what messages are hidden.
I'm not quite sure how to react. I find it a bit amusing at the moment, actually. I mean, I can see why they would see me in a certain way, with certain expectations. In the end it makes me accept that even though I don't claim to know myself in any way, I am the person in this whole entire world who knows me best. It's cliche I know, but it's quite significant to finally finally accept that. I guess I'm the only person who knows what goes on in my head... and a lot goes on.
When will people realise that when they say everyone is 'unique', I really am unique and they cannot put me into any box? When will they realise I don't inherently fit any generalisation because I span so many of them? I'm not trying to be superior - because spanning so many is sometimes painful and very confusing, but that's the way I am. I like many things that seem to conflict with each other. I believe that this attribute allows me to reach out to people from all walks of life and understand them. I believe this will let me help people.
Of course there remains a very possible possibility that my self-perception is more wrong than others' perception of me. But hey, who am I? What I think of myself or what others think of me? Which is more true? What is the relative contribution of each to truth? It probably changes depending on the circumstance and probably both are important, as my interactions with non-self depend on both. So of course, I can't just be "amused" and wave away what others think of me. But are all the things I am doing really not reflecting who I am within? Or perhaps to understand a person is too complex to express in words?
At times like this, I can't seem to remember why I have any reason to fear anything. But I know that's asking for trouble. :P
Maybe the parts of me that I need to share more with people are the parts that sing, dance, paint and write stories/poetry? The parts of me that create and take pleasure in the world's creations? Well, at least I try to be true. I get so annoyed with people who try to be who they're not - and you see this so often, it's truly frustrating. But who am I to say who they really are, aye. Who? And do you know that even though I try my best at all times and strive to push myself as hard as I can, I know that inevitably it doesn't really matter? That we create our own meaning?
