I've always looked to the future with hope.
It never delivered what I expected - neither good nor bad - I tried to learn from everything. The consistent disappointment or, from another perspective, constant naivety, was my expectation that with age comes certainty and stability. What repeatedly reveals itself is that not only do those values not increase, more often than not they decrease. As life gets more complex and we're faced with more diverging, parallel and convoluted paths, we are left with confusion and anxiety over what now's and what if's. But if anecdotes and observations are anything to go by, it seems that no-one really knows what they are doing, regardless of their age or status. I had been finding it difficult to accept that because I had wanted so badly to believe in a future-self who was sure and clear.
Now I come to more big decisions and although I was very much stressed before about my priorities and what people thought of me, I really have to just go with my gut instincts and go for what logically works out. For who can really say where each decision will take me? With the information I've got now, those are the best decisions I can make.
I have a wealth of opportunities before me - each and every one I can see as potentially making a huge impact on my outlook. I can almost be certain that these opportunities exist for every person, it's just whether we wish to see it or not. I think I have to start honestly believing that I have what it takes, instead of just pretending for the sake of progress and action.
The curiosity will always be there - raging crazily into the unknown. Ambition will always bring forth fear. A want of independence will always argue with reaching out. But that's the way it is.
On the way home tonight I thought about all the people I have met and who I have around me. Everyday I can remember and every ounce of pain from them gathered into a bubbling vat. Reading to crack, ready to boil over. Even though hope may only reside in a single, fragile vial of tears, it will neutralise the seething, molten dread in no time.
There is the intent of love everywhere. Rarely do people remember or work out how to express this, so it seems you really have to know what to look for and be continually aware.
So does fear really reside in failing to meet expectations, failing to impress, failing to fulfil one's chosen purpose or does it reside in missing the point? Well, we can only try our best to stay on point, no?
