Well I feel like an outright idiot. Or a horrible person. Or an outright idiot and a horrible person. Probably the third choice. I'd been stressing over certain things lately... you know, things happen and I always tell myself, well, if I were different or if I could be better... and I beat myself up over things I cannot control and I get confused over what I should do and think. A lot of things often feel intensified for me and it is probably just the way I am. I see things heightened and warped from what they are. I guess it's hard to explain and in a way confuses other people, too. From my concern for other people, I am truly sorry because I don't want to confuse, mislead and/or inconvenience them. But for me, I have to not be sorry because that is who I am. Life for me is a crazy array of shapes, sounds and colours. I have to not feel ashamed of my tendencies and what I like because why should I? I don't have any intrinsic intention to cause harm and I think I think about other people enough to respect them. But is it enough? I must say, even that uncertainty is pretty slim because you can't think of a thing much more than say 80% of your conscious hours. So time really has given me the answer. :P
It occurred to me today that I left home when I was 17. Seventeen. Not many people can say that. I felt 'mature' and 'ready' then - ironically, I feel both more and less mature now. I think I was more confident and sure of myself as I left school, but it was a sort of ignorant certainty. Now that I know more, I'm more weary of what I know and what power I have over my future and I am less confident. I am also more experienced in my abilities and therefore, I am less confident. I suppose through it all I might have become more comfortable with myself, I'm not sure. I like to say I have changed, but I am not even sure if I have. Maybe I was more timid and shy before and I don't care so much about that now. I'm still not very good at (genuinely) accepting compliments and I deflect/dismiss them quite quickly. I like to think I am 'improving' on my flaws/weaknesses, but perhaps I'm not making as much progress as I would have liked. Closeness to people and being open? Trying. Hugging? Trying. Compassion for others and myself? Trying. Stress/anxiety? Perhaps more for some and less for others. I think I have become more social to strangers though, because I used to really just speak out and be crazy to my friends... I used to hate that phrase, the more I/we change, the more I/we stay the same. But maybe it's true. Fuckers. I hate lame cliches. Oh the thing that is really bad about me nowadays is that I swear. It's sorta bad, but sorta like, well, if you can't handle it, then you can shove it. But I do respect people who may not feel comfortable, so I do adjust my vocabulary depending on the circumstances/people. I blame the army boys. :P (no seriously, association of constant swearing with only source of laughter for days when mental and physical strength is low pretty much imprints in your mind that swearing is awesome).
It really worries me that I hurt people. Therefore, I sometimes try to warn people against getting too close. I don't know if that makes the matter better or worse. I don't intentionally hurt them, but I just seem to lose rationality. I don't know whether it is because I don't like people getting close in general, or that I know what I want and so therefore, won't let people close if they don't fit that criteria. And I am truly talking about all relationships, platonic and romantic. Even professional. It's like my mind and body has reactions to ensure that my world is very all-or-none or black and white. Obviously, the world isn't like that, so it is sort of a silly reflex. I think I'm suspicious of people's intentions because as yet, I still don't understand why people like me as a person. I mean, sure, people have tried to explain it to me, but I truly don't believe them and it puzzles me. I think I'm scared to believe it because I'm scared of becoming egotistic. That might also be why I deflect compliments. No doubt, I need them to ensure I don't eat myself to nothingness, but sometimes it's like I'm not letting other people help me build up something stable and wholesome, as opposed to fleeting and superficial. It's like these days I don't really believe in stability or absoluteness in anything. I find that I am more inclined to believe in perspective, relativity and the transient nature of everything. Is it bad to not believe in 'everlasting'? Is it bad to not believe in 'steady state'? I mean, I can understand it conceptually, but I don't think it's practically attainable. And actually, I don't think stability is even all that sustainable or realistic. If we become less obsessed with steady state or homeostasis, then maybe we can build systems that rely instead on change only. Is that even possible? But if we accept change and flux is inevitable and necessary, then will we stop developomg exhaustive systems that want to converge towards something not attainable? Is stability even real?
In saying that, they say that 'true love is everlasting' and for goodness sakes, the only word in that phrase I can understand is 'is' and I'm not even sure that is all that definable without a context. If truth is based on perspective, then true love as an entity is relative. But I guess love itself could be an absolute thing, but apparently you can't know unless you're in it/have been in it and so how would you know for sure? It's a paradoxical thing because if you can't know until you know, you can never be sure that you know except for when you compare it with when you thought you didn't know and that somehow feels 'different'. But you'll never know if sometime in the future, you 'actually' fall in love and then you will realise the previous 'love' was not the real deal afterall. But then how can you be sure of that? And I just sort of think if you can't even define something, how can you know it's everlasting. And if it was everlasting, then you could never know that it wasn't love and you could never prove yourself wrong. So it's one of those self-fulfilling things that don't logically make sense. I suppose then one should define love as a changing thing that matures with time (like wine) and you could say that development is the connection that is everlasting and if everlasting is the rest of your life, then, hey - that sounds cool to me in a well-I'll-believe-for-now-because-I-don't-see-a-point-in-arguing sort of way.
I also hate how sometimes you can say, argh, don't worry I don't want to argue that, there is no point and people think you've 'lost'. I mean, is that an appropriate way to react? Sometimes there are arguments that aren't worth completing... like... the result isn't relevant at all. You could tell me now that because I believe in perspective, wouldn't I think all arguments were irrelevant because there is no truth? Well, no, because now I think opinion is very important and I think it's important people can justify their opinions (so it's not just mindless).
Sometimes even after you think you've given a good and elaborate justification, people just don't seem to accept your opinion and that can cause you a great deal of pain. Well, I guess I experienced this in a last-straw-scenario a few weeks ago and it has taken me a while to think about and get over. I can see why this person felt inclined to do what they did and I think they are smart enough to realise what they were doing, but I was thinking more along the lines of whether I should 'look after myself' and get out of that tending-towards-abusive relationship. In any case, I've stated before that I forgive without reason, so there we go. I can say they have hurt me several times before, but maybe I can't say I haven't hurt them either. What can I do, you know?
[in progress]
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland
