TIGblogs - Cherrie

Grief vs Bereavement (The Death, The Letter)

According to Wikipedia [link], there is a clear distinction between grief and bereavement, which is interesting. It also talks about the various stages of grief. I'm not advocating for 'binning' human emotion into such boxes, but let's say I'm in 'disorganisation and despair'... which only means I'm this much closer to 'reorganisation'. It's not to say I haven't felt like shit all week.

On Monday I received a letter from DP's Mum in response to my letter. I don't know why, but her letter suddenly made it all real (again), even though I thought I had accepted his death. Maybe I still had that inkling of hope that maybe it was all a joke. But her letter told me it wasn't. Her letter also didn't offer me any answers. I'm not even sure what answers I sought, but they weren't there. It's irrational to be seeking something, but I can't help it can I? I am so grateful she replied. I am also nervous about the exhibition, because I'm not sure how I'll interpret his work. At the same time, I can't wait to see them. But why is that? Do I want to see them to celebrate him or do I wish to seek answers again? I know there aren't any.

Sometimes I feel terribly sad and my logic tells me it's okay. It reasons my way out of the rut for me. But sometimes I don't want it to. I just want to wallow. But then I get scared it might not bring me back out again. I am so ungrateful. Grieving is such a lonely process. I'm not even sure I know how to express how I feel or why. The loss of DP reminded me of how lonely my life has been. Thus begins the next section.

Loneliness vs Solitude (The Death, The Response)

So, Wikipedia [link] also makes the distinction between loneliness and solitude (which is pretty straightforward and well-known, unlike grief and bereavement).

Now I know very well that my life hasn't been a continuous stream of loneliness. I know that. I have and have had lots of friends who I trust and shared good times with. But can you feel that as well as distance at the same time? Is that normal? I thought I appreciated and needed moments of solitude. Sometimes I thought I preferred solitude. In recent years, I knew I needed company. But by now, it feels as if the "emptiness" and "isolation" is stronger than ever.

I feel like it's always been my fault that I feel distance - because I never "opened up". I've always expressed my confusion in that phrase, because I don't know what it really means. What do people want to know? I try to answer all of their questions and try to share parts of my life that I think they'll appreciate. But if my answers seem muddled and distant - well, it's because I feel muddled and distant within. I don't try to mislead. At least, my consciousness doesn't. This line of thought worries me, because it's what DP used to say a lot.

His death reminded me that I've never really had a best friend. My reason was that I wanted to treat all my friends the same. I took that to extremes in 7th form when I stopped even having one smallish (6 people?) group of friends to being in "many groups" and being friends with "everyone". It's been the same ever since. There are individuals who I keep in contact with more often and feel greater affinity for, so on that basis, I figured I had many close friends and many peripheral friends. But I sometimes (and more so lately) wonder if these people whom I consider close friends would consider me the same in return. But I'm not sure what that even means. I'm not sure society's labels are good for my self-esteem and outlook.

His death reminded me that I've never had a boyfriend (which is becoming increasingly embarrassing to admit to as I age). My reason is that I have never met someone who I felt that way for. But is that true? I don't know. I always leave this line of thought by reminding myself that whatever happens will happen. I'm not saying there is someone I was destined to be with, but I rely on the hope that I'll know what to do when I meet this person. But maybe I won't. Well, who knows and why does it matter to think too much about it?

I remember back in the day, I was adamant that I was going to live my life alone because that's what I wanted. I wanted to move far from society, live by myself and not bother with the complications of humanity. This was my "Hermit Cave in Milford Sounds" story, which resonates with DP's "A Grass Patch in the Middle of Nowhere" story. Weird aye. But then I had lots of different stories of how I envisaged my future.

Exploitation vs Abuse (The Friend, The Love)

Certain events have led me to think about the distinction between exploitation and abuse. They seem to be synonymous in many places I have looked, but I am unsure. It seems that exploitation explicitly says the use is for self-gain, while abuse is misuse in general. Thus, exploitation is not necessary bad for the exploited, while abuse is not necessarily good for the abuser. But if you're like me and think that people act selfishly (please don't think I use this term with all the unjust negative connotations), then an abuser must have gained. Therefore, in my view of the world, abuse is slightly bad and exploitation is neutral (on a continuum, of course). By this definition, I just have to say that people should stop abusing me. That you have to hurt someone to love them is a load of bollocks.

Feelings vs Emotions (The Inside, The Outside)

There is also a distinction between feelings and emotions that I find hard to clarify. So apparently emotions include feelings, but also learned responses and physiological responses, etc. So it appears that emotions are manifestations of feelings, which are internal. This seems to be the traditional distinction. But that they are fundamentally different phenomena, I don't know - probably not. But to adhere feelings and some cognitive processing to give emotion is like the basis of how our internal environment interacts with the external environment. How the balance between feelings and cognitive processing is defined, I'm not sure. Maturity? Life experience? Personality?

Bins vs Smears (The Discrete, The Continuous)

I just wanted to end this very long rant with a sort of disclaimer that states how I know things are arbitrarily defined and 'binned' into categories. Things are probably continuous or related in ways human beings are yet to understand. Nonetheless I find it useful to ponder about these things.

Image Sources: niagaragriefcenter.org, www.design.md, www.baddteddy.com, www.unlv.edu, space.newscientist.com

Technorati Tags : Abuse, Bereavement, Cherrieland, Death, Discrete, Continuous, Emotion, Exhibition, Exploitation, Feeling, Friends, Grateful, Grief, Hurt, Inside, Letter, Life, Loneliness, Love, Outside, Pain, Selfishness, Solitude, Thinking

From Cherrieland