Hey guys, seems like I'm always playing catch up on my blogging these days. Sorry about that. I'm either on the fly or too tired to even think about forming articulate words. Yeah maybe being articulate is being a bit too ambitious, but even just forming words seems to be beyond me sometimes these days.

It's not to say I haven't thought about anything or have things to say, it's just that by the time I get time to write about them (end of the day usually, or in the weekend), I'm either too tired or have got over them, like they're irrelevant. For example, I've been thinking about... (just briefly)

Metacognitive Analyses of My View of My Future, My Relationships, My Interpretation of the World

I've been pondering about my feelings and thoughts toward my future lately and also my feelings and thoughts toward relationships in general...past, current and future, of course. I feel as if my life has been on continuous loop. Like I think I've been improving and changing, but really this has all been an illusion to keep me marginally sane. Perhaps I've really stayed the same. On the other hand, I feel like I've changed so much I hardly understand what I want anymore. But it makes me question whether I really knew what I wanted before. Could I have, given that I know more of my possibilities? Or do I now know more of my limitations?

The thing is, I don't know where I'll be in 5 years and I'm totally fine with that. I'm fine that I don't know. I have ideas of places I'm more likely to be, things I'm more likely to be doing. But I don't really know. There are things I want to do, people I want to meet. But again, even though I'll try to increase my chances to achieve those things, I can't be sure. I wonder how hard I am trying to make those things happen. I wonder whether the things I try hard at are the same as the things I envision to be important for me in the future. Are they in actual fact the things that are important to me now or are they the things important to a self that I want myself to be? Who am I, really? Do I really have any control over who I am and who I will become? Surely I must. Surely I must believe I do if I believe that people can be rehabilitated and that self-control is a virtue. I must believe that. Then, how good is my self-control?

I keep remembering all the things I dreamed before. I keep remembering my energy before. I keep remembering my own smiling, beaming face. I know a lot has happened and it's made me who I am. I think I'm still that smiling, curious, beaming face. I want myself to improve, but I don't want myself to change. Is it possible to change without letting go of that essence? Can you ever really lose your essence?

Religion, Human Needs, The Human Condition

Yeah I'm always thinking about this sort of thing. I always think about what it is that makes people tick. How people get up in the morning, how people figure out to figure out what they live for. It puzzles me that it's not something people immediately think about. It puzzles me that some people don't figure it out to some level of clarity that enables them to explain what they want to do/achieve/makes them happy to someone else of some reasonable intelligence. How can people live day-to-day without knowing their ultimate goal? I don't think it even matters what it is. But surely people must know why they are doing something?

And maybe it's not even figuring out WHY, it's going through the process of imagining all the possibilities of reasons your life means something. It's going through and thinking up all such possibilities and experiencing the limited diversity within yourself that it enables you to empathise with other people's dreams and ambitions. It's testing the waters of the world and all it's wonderful colours and potential. Why wouldn't you want to explore the limits of your mind?

The way I see it, there are several frontiers to push in our lifetimes. At the very basic level we experiment with and push the boundaries of our physical bodies. We push our moral/compassionate/feeling/reflective/curious minds. We explore our relationships with objects/environments/space and time. We explore our relationships with people. Everything can be categorised into those things.

Population Distribution

Where do I fit in with the human race? Am I 'normal'? With regards to what trait? I'm not sure. Everything? If, say, I was in the upper tiers of intelligence, isn't that sort of sad and pathetic for the human race? I'm pretty thick. And I don't ask this because I want to know where I stand, whether I'm "normal" or not - I don't care. But I ask it because I want to glimpse into what the rest of the world is like by how people describe me. For example, if people think I'm smart or open-minded or whatever, then they're implying that compared to the rest of the population (that they have sampled), I am more smart or more open-minded. I just find it interesting. I seem to have a very mismatched view of the world because for most things I consider myself pretty average.

But that is a paradox in itself. I consider myself average and am genuinely surprised when people think otherwise. Yet the company I seek (I feel) to be definitely above average. So it seems like I treat myself to company that is better than the standard to which I place myself. Does that make me horrendously greedy or just stupendously naive?

Out of Outlets

Lately I've felt lacking in devices to express myself or even meaningful ventures/people to express to. I'm pretty sure this is self-induced seclusion. I just feel too tired to explain anything and in return I feel more anxious and that makes me more tired because it makes me not sleep. So it's sort of annoying. Yeah I know it's sort of unlike me to feel "out of outlets", but that's sort of how I feel. Anyway, don't worry or feel bad though, it's not like I feel sad (though I was in July), now I'm just sort of bleh. Which is a weird state to be in for me, since I'm usually at extrema. I think maybe I'm just a bit too tired for my own good. I feel like just sitting somewhere sunny with a nice cup of tea or something and singing. That sounds like a good break. =)

Anyway, some other stuff that's happened lately:

• Weird mental/physical health (Jul-Aug) - I'd rather not elaborate on this, but it's pretty consuming
  
• Contact Energy work (31 Jul, Aug) - just bits and bobs.
  
• PhD Scholarship Applications (21, 27 Aug) - pretty intense.
  
• Botany Downs Secondary College talk (8 Aug) - pretty cool. The students were really onto it... the ones who came down to talk afterwards anyway.
  
• Swimming (Jul - ongoing) - pretty cool, up to practising breathing and that sort of thing during freestyle now.