Double-edged swords. Everything can be a double-edged sword, you know. Your personality can be a double-edged sword. I wonder how one can find the balance between 'being true to yourself' and 'being liked'. Yes, ideally one would be true to oneself and be liked. However, being a person that lives in the real world, that is rare. And I'm not even saying that is necessarily a 'waste' or 'a shame', it's just the way it is. In any case, it's not often that people know everything about you anyway, so 'being true' is relative. 'Being liked' is also relative because it depends on the person who you want to be doing the liking.

So given a particular person or a group of people and given the limited time/resources we have for two entities to completely understand each other, how can one balance between 'being true' and 'being liked'? Do you ever feel like you are holding back because your 'full' personality might be too much for others to deal with? Do you ever mentally step back from a social situation and consider, "right, what/who do I need to be right now?"

No doubt there is feedback and interaction between all such processes/outcomes. For example, people will affect your personality and even perhaps that people liking you will invoke more change in your behaviour or perhaps the people more likely to accept 'the real you' are more likely to provoke your want to have them like you. But maybe this want for 'like' and/or 'respect' may spiral out of control and end up debilitating the personality they came to like in the first place, leading to a desperate cycle that gets worse.

How do you even know what is the real you? If it comes naturally, what about the 'natural' habits you want to kick? If you want to continuously improve as a person and have been trying to do so all of your life, where is the reference point to which you ground? Where goes the statement, 'if all else fails I can depend on myself', if you are perpetually changing? Are we able to change our very core values? What about our very core habits? If we ground on change, then where are we heading to?

If we are to choose where to go in our lives, should we choose something in which otherwise our 'talents would be wasted'? Or should we choose something that suits our personalities? Can we change the profession? Can we change the world? Should we change ourselves?

If we're trying everything, at which point does all the change just entangle everything and undo any real good? What is Good?

Brooke Fraser Albertine Tour

Fabulous concert!!! OpShop [link], Brooke Fraser [link] and Band were awesome (so so so good!!!). Loved her rendition of the Sound of Silence. Everyone's voices were superb. Makes ME want to be a singer so badly!!! If only. Dinner with KV was also superb. Glad this all happened to bring around a crappy day...

Was wondering about whether any of this is worth it, whether any of what I'm doing allows me to help people, whether I'm using my skills and talents, whatever they may be, to do the best I can. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on one thing, I lose sight of everything around me and when I chance to look up, I realise I'm lost. Like Alice chasing the rabbit. And sometimes it can lead me to wonderful places, but sometimes to scary ones or worse, boring/meaningless ones. I don't think I mind the small details as long as I have the big picture clear in my mind. I was going to save the world. Was. But, yesterday I wrote this:

I realised today that I wasn't unique. Or special. Or amazing. I am the same as many other people. I could try forever to keep exceeding everybody's expectations, but the bar will keep being raised in people who I want to impress. It's never-ending. But I want it to end. I don't want to be in this race anymore.

For some reason, I thought I had special skills to change the world. Or if not the world, then at least improve the lives of the people in my 'microworld'. I thought I could bring light into people's lives with my ability to 1) relate and understand their feelings and circumstances, 2) to solve problems logically and 3) to combine 1) and 2) in a meaningful and useful way. I thought I could inspire people with my theoretical/philosophical ponderings, my ideals and the way I live my life - the things I try, the things I live for, the things I stand for....