TIGblogs - Cherrie

Back

Well hey, I'm back in NZ. I have mixed feelings - relief and something else I don't know how to describe. I don't know what it means that I choose to leave my Grandparents and close relatives for a year at a time to look after themselves. I don't know what it means when I step on that plane, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing for another year I don't have to see family members lying to and cheating each other. And even if that sort of thing happens here in NZ, I still feel a sense of relief.

Also, the climate here is better for my skin.

Yet being back in NZ still scatters me somewhat, as I am returning to Wellington, not Auckland. Even after a few days, I am still reorienting myself back to this place that I grew up in for 10 years. But maybe I'm used to that now, hopping from place to place, with each one bringing on a different sense of home. This leads me to the next topic.

Forward

I want to talk about completeness, since human beings seem to preoccupy themselves with this sense of wholeness that supposedly enables them to fulfil their potential. For a long time, I too, was immersed in this feeling of loss, as if who I am is still becoming something, as if I had to find something I had no idea of the shape, smell or sound. It is this apparent void that I think underlies many of human beings' strange and often irrational behaviour. But where do our ideas of completion come from? Why do we feel 'at a loss', when nothing a priori shows that there could be more of you?

I must distinguish this sense of loss from a desire to improve oneself, which actually implies an acceptance of one's current state to enable change. The former describes an intangible state of need, where one does not even know of the goal or outcome, except that of wholeness. Some people project this need into a greater existence, while some people find it in another corporeal body or goal. Whatever way people use to deal with this void, it is quite apparent, don't you think? A need to be complete, a need to find a purpose. It is found in songs, poems, movies and countless self-help books address this, as does religion. But is it really a need?

I think the philosopher Jacques Lacan (influenced by Freud) postulated that we first form this ideal of completeness by seeing ourselves in mirrors, where we appear complete and whole. Far from this ideal are our inner conflicts, some of which stem from desires we may not able to deal with directly. This image is thus the first idealisation of self and projection of self as the other.

How we come to form this need or indeed, why we form it is of no interest to me and are almost useless questions, considering my view on this subject matter. What I want to say is that I think I have now come to realise that a need for completeness is not the need. Whether or not I am complete does not define me, nor does a search for thus. A quest for completeness may require interaction with other selves, may require an understanding of our environment, may require a multitude of things that form motivation. Or does it? The amorphous nature of this final product means this motivation can be easily transposed to that for living itself, right? Or is motivation mistaken for a sense of loss? Are they even related?

And all this implies what I am about to say, which is that the significance of completeness is much diminished from what I first thought. The assumption of completeness is based on what, exactly? Does not a constant feeling of loss at times exclude opportunities for better things? And did not my previous preoccupation, no obsession, with completeness, enlarge my fear of further loss and thus, inhibit my curiosity - the actual fundamental motivator - and thus, my experience?

Therefore, I've thrown away this unexplained sense of incompleteness. It is like a second-best method of self-motivation, a convoluted way of regulating one's behaviour, much like self-flagellation or some other form of excessive repression/punishment. I feel this conclusion is something new I have stumbled upon that has taken a long time. That having spent many years 'discovering myself' only to find pieces that do not form a complete picture is one that I now embrace. As if knowing yourself completely would mean a faster approach to happiness - I now think that not being able to know yourself as such is a sign that you're going at a good pace... and again, the Uncertainty Principle rings a bell.

In Between and Up Above

Just to do a meta on myself, I must say that it is our own responsibility to alter our perspectives so that we maximise 'goodness' in our lives and our relationships with other people. So you may say that my new way of thinking is yet another construct that I accuse the 'quest for completeness' of. But I suppose anything we conceive of, tangible or not, can be thought of as a tool for human kind. Tools to serve, and are products of, our curiosity and creativity, which I now think are two of some of the core distinguishing features of a human being. I am not even sure that love deserves its own word, as it can fall under both c's. :)

Down To Earth

For you more down to earth fellas, I should mention I've unpacked and have started those drawings and have re-started the running. I start work tomorrow, but my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts about Biophysics in two weeks. I also have to start these driving lessons ASAP, otherwise I'll never do it. I don't know why the thought of learning to drive makes me fill with dread. But maybe I've never really liked to idea of possessing too much power or control. I'm not sure.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Completeness, Identity, Life, Philosophy, Self

From Cherrieland