Where do I start? You may have guessed from the pitiful number (oh, quality over quantity!!) of posts that I have been busy as
heck.
It has been extremely tiring at work. I guess I still don't feel I have my place yet, so that will take some time, but I think I really need that that base, those people I can say, "hey, I really feel like I don't know what I'm doing" and know that they won't judge me because I almost always feel like that and most things have worked out fab.
So....what? Time will tell, that's what.
But I think I need to slow down because I'm getting really bad RSI, my stomach is beginning to complain (which hasn't happened since thing in June).
This anxiety is due to: (1) the number of things I have to do, (2) trying to meet new expectations, but most importantly (by a mile) (3) the ambivalence in my relationships at work. People-stuff stresses me out beyond any task or work I have to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm making enemies and last Friday I was confuddled about 'professionalism' - it's one of those funny words that have no concrete definition. A plethora of different personalities (in certain circumstances, I hear you say) can be professional. But again, I came here knowing that this environment would force me to learn how to say things, how to treat people under new circumstances, etc. I really really want to learn this.
Sometimes I go large, sometimes I get into the details. It depends on the need and my mood. There are situations where I think concrete and definite things need to be said. I guess because abstractness is so open to interpretation. I want to scream, "DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?" and have a 10 minute conversation with people just being frank about what they think I mean. I bet that most of the time whatever message you were trying to get across was misinterpreted. In all this abundance of communication, I wonder whether we are getting anything across at all. What is so scary about standing up and saying, "I don't get it."? Better still, "I don't get it, help me get it because I really want to." I don't think people give enough effort into getting things. I am guilty of this also, as I don't really understand the finer (but important) points about the War On (of) Terror, U.S. elections, various civil wars, banking and finance, government procedures... there are a million things I should probably understand more deeply than I do, but I guess the fact of the matter is, I have been able to make do without knowing the details. I know how to vote, what values I stand for and can have an educated conversation about any of the above topics. But would I understand the nuances? Probably not. I find that a bit annoying that I can't. Yet.
I've been working on the poster for Biophysics and it is slowly getting there. I think I will print it tomorrow. I am getting quite excited to go there and to see some of my lab family again. It's all very sentimental. I guess maybe our lab is a little unique in that everyone is so open and blunt. Actually, that's not true - only a few of us are. But I like it better that way. I don't really want to bother with deciphering hidden messages that people mean to mean underneath their spoken words. I'm too busy reading their body language, which is perhaps saying what they're really feeling and thinking, which might be different from what they mean to mean, which is different from what they're saying. But I am still uncertain about that because for all I know, corporate people have a different body language.
I felt really uncomfortable about something mentioned about age today. Nothing really has to do with age, except perhaps at 18 when you become a legal adult and you can do a few interesting things. But really, I wonder how close a correlation there is between age and maturity. And actually, whether maturity has anything to do with your mindset - that set of values that govern the way you live. I know that not everyone thinks/lives or wants to think/live the way I do - jumping at the chance of doing something that is scary and new, trying to think of new ways all the time, being blunt and headstrong in my want to care about others, myself and the place in which we live, but with an open mind to allow for other beliefs. Of course, I think it's a very good way to live (and so I would, otherwise I would change), but I know not everyone else does and it makes me wonder about the establishment of values. How do people take on new values that don't immediately connect with them? Opening our windows or expanding our palette of colours can be a difficult thing and I hope I have that capacity to help people add more colour into their lives, but I wonder where/how/when is the best way to do it.
