Disclaimer:

Sometimes I think I'll get into deep trouble for so bluntly expressing my thoughts in this. Just remember (as I make my disclaimer once again) - I often change my mind and I am usually typing these things straight from my head so sentence formation may not be SUPERB, thus leading to incorrect interpretations. You got a gripe, just let me know. Seriously, I would much rather explain myself 100 times than be misunderstood.

World Congress in Information Technology 2006
www.wcit2006.org

Introduction

So I'm sitting at the airport... about to embark on one of my infamous "reflections". As per usual, I will change my mind, not make sense and play on rhetoric and irony. So is the dialogue of Cherrie... by infamous, I totally mean not-that-famous and those who know of it, don't like it.

I've been listening a lot these past few days : absorbing, immersing, learning, being

• intimidated
• quiet
• passive

As you may know, I ABHOR those last three things put together. I will now dub them the abhorrent trifle. OMG - that is SUCH a pun (like, three or four). I shall not explain it, figure it out yourself. I always suggest (to myself) that the abhorrent trifle should be avoided under most circumstances. I shall now attempt to dissect each of these layers, for sole purpose of seeking a solution to the problem (well, why else would you dissect something, gees)...

Disclaimer: no scientific evidence for the following, only a thought experiment ("because they are cheap and the University is cheap" - Physiology lecturer, University of Auckland)

Cause and Mechanism(s) of Effect:
1) Intimidation is caused by everyone is so amazing, articulate, opinionated and informed, resurfacing feelings of inadequacy: I do not feel the right or need to interject - What credentials do I have? What will I bring? This leads to my silence and passive participation.

2) Intimidation is the perceived feeling, but in actual fact, the true feeling is that of internal contradiction and confusion whereby the topic being discussed in the open conversation is being so hotly debated within my mind (with addition of points from the real conversation) that the real conversation has moves on. This manifests as silence and passive participation.

3) Being silent and passive is part of my upbringing, whereby modesty is greatly upheld by Chinese tradition and the 'tall poppy syndrome' comes from New Zealand society. The reasoning is that these habits are so deeply ingrained that under times of nervousness or intimidation, those traits reveal themselves more readily.

Relevance of Effect:

• Internal anger and annoyance because I hate 'conversation riding'.
• Resentment and lack of respect from other members (y'all know this is my main concern)
• Reflection of incompetence (also main concern)
• Does it make it worse that I recognise these faults and have not been able to eradicate the abhorrent trifle?
• Is it crazy or selfish that I get consumed by my internal dialogue, so much so that a lot of the time I shut out from the world unknowingly?
• Has blogging about it allowed me to prevent another 'episode' as occurred in 2003 and allowed me to express myself in a way that I feel comfortable?
• Internal dialogue is sometimes "philosophical rugby" - tackling yourself consistently, can you imagine a scrum with 10 of yousrelf against each other? Because you will all have the same capacity and skill, the probability of taking the ball (hey I don't really watch rugby) is stochastic and the long term chance of winning is 50%... or actually less because it is only 50% given that the game has ended. The chance of completing a game is low, I would have thought.
• Didn't ask all of my questions!!! GRR!
• Spend too much time thnking about own relevance instead of important issues
  

Grateful

I am so grateful for this trip, so it is even harder to watch myself be such a freak. These people have been so nice, generous and interesting - yet, they don't know that. I have not been able to express that. Or even contribute to their good experience. Unless I am actually very transparent. In which case, someone should let me know so I can stop worrying about it.

I need to interact with more articulate people. These people I have spent 3 days with are SO amazing. Balanced and fascinating. I don't even care about the things they have done, but just the ideas they have to share and the perspective they bring to conversation.

But, on this trip, I met another of those people.

I also admire the panel's openness with what they wanted, as in gadgets, etc. I think that is cool.

The actual panel and Beating myself

Oh dear, I can remember so many things I did badly on the panel...

People at this conference used much more business terminology as opposed to technical terminology. I was not expecting that. I keep trying to run from business and entrepreneurship, as if profitability was the devil (not that I'm religious). But is it really avoidable? And do I really want to avoid it now that doing business is different to the one-track-money-making corporations in my mind? So what if short term generosity equals long term commercial advantage? As long as there still is generosity and goodness right? I mean, since the long term advantage is not necessarily guaranteed, is the initial act considered altrusitic?

Anyway, so the panel got a standing ovation (the only other person who did was Colin Powell). Watched him speak, Michael Dell and various other famous people I can't remember. I suppose it's a good thing I don't get fanatic.

Future conferences/panels

We talked about the possibility of doing future panels during breakfast at IHOP. By we, I totally mean not me, as I was quiet most of the time, remember. Anyway, we discussed how much it would cost and my reaction was that I'd totally do it for free. I didn't say that at the time because a) it might offend the people who were making reasonable and realistic suggestions b) it may be financially and reputationally stupid. But to be frank, the cause is good, so I'd do it for free provided the flights and accommodation is paid for. They could donate some money to TIG as well, just like Mike was saying. People should seriously take advantage of this free-ness before I wisen up. =P

Rides

Just have to mention that the service on Qantas on the way to LA was the BEST I'd ever had from any airline. Crap on the way back. So cancels I suppose. Met some random lady (Amy) at Austin and shared a taxi with her to the Radisson- I learnt about her background and family - we had a really interesting conversation and she kindly offered me a See's candy (SEE how open and friendly I was before the abhorrent trifle took over, gees). In hindsight, it was probably a bit tactless. Oh well. Well I paid USD$25 (that's like, $6 tip) and we split it. I know. $6. I freaked out. It's America. I freaked. So began the abhorrent trifle. I really shouldn't have given it a name, as if to validate it. But it all begins with acknowledgement, right? "Hi, my name is Cherrie and I'm an abhorrent trifle addict".

I'll consider Radisson also my ride. It was aiight. Compared to the Four Seasons next door? Um.

OMG, we (Rahaf and I) rode in a limo with Don to the airport. Bling.

News and media

I made a point to watch the news in Austin (stayed up to 1-2am) to see if there was any difference . I concluded that depending on channel, the news was only slightly biased, but the biggest difference was the amount of dramatisation - WAY more in the US - no wonder people freak out. I thought the weather report was more informative (though overly dramatic) and drug ads were more informative, including some adverse drug reactions, interactions and recommendation by doctors.

Information Technology

(these are random observations during the writing of this blog entry)

Growing Up Digital(Amazon.com)
Don Tapscott

So he gave me a copy of this book - I am SO grateful. I mean, that's like giving away your painting or poem or something. Well, to me it is anyway, I'm not sure it feels the same when you've sold millions of copies, but if you give it to someone in person, it's more special anyway. And the action of giving a book still resonates with me as the honour of passing on knowledge and learning and saying, "hey, you are worthy of this knowledge". So anyway, it was really cool for him to give me a copy, so I'll add it to the shelf of books I treasure. Note to all : don't start buying me books just 'coz I said that - they have to have special meaning. Anyway, so I started reading it as soon as I checked in (I'm about half way through now) and I must say its a bit of a relief to finally read a lot of my habits are not unusual. By that I mean that I recognise parts of myself (in the past, mostly) that are similar to some of these conclusions (now, my habits are a bit different). But I'm surprised at the suggestion that much of the "skill" people "know" me for is attributed to technology and exposure to information. I thought it was innate or natural - that everyone was the same. Naive. No wonder I find it so hard to understand people who "don't care". Strange.
So I DO represent my generation...
According to this book.
Hmm... keep reading.

It's so funny. I purposely didn't read this before the panel so I wouldn't be influenced. Yet I ended up saying a lot of the things that are in here anyway. So I guess credibility gets a tick. But it's still shocking. I didn't think I was normal.

Random thoughts (in order of appearance during blog-writing)

Filed Under : Education,Life, Technology, Presentations