Connected to previous post: Wellington College Tech Hui

The context: Well I can say that the Tech Hui was what I needed. I guess this may not be well known, but what I needed prior to the Tech Hui (and when I say prior, it may be weeks or months, I really don't remember... perhaps months) was an emotional opportunity. What I mean is, in terms of my career and all that jumbo - I'm O.K. I've got things set up for the coming months and interesting things for the summer and also interesting things for next year. I'm not saying that I have 'enough' opportunities, I'm just saying that life in that aspect is O.K. Physically I'm a bit tired, but nothing major. Psychologically I was very drained and it was affecting my mood, behaviour and mental processes. I was confused and overwhelmed (with what? I don't know) - of course, I recognised this from before...

What I'm annoyed with (in hindsight) is how I had recognised this trend and warning bells went off in my head to go talk to someone about it, but I just thought 'nah, everyone's busy and it's nothing'. So the decay 'half-life' was much much longer than any previous experience. By the time the holidays came and I went down to Wellington, I was tired - but ignored it to catch up with friends everyday - I don't regret that. Then that last night in Wellington I didn't sleep to finish writing the Digital Earth essay. Then came RYLA, which just absolutely drained the last of what I had - mentally first and then physically...well, not so much, but because I wasn't quite 'with it' in mind anymore, my body wasn't as courageous as it could be. I suppose I wasn't in a healthy-enough state of mind to be rediscovering myself in any sense. I kept looking and there was nothing. I kept looking and it seemed to just mess everything up and throw things out the window. I tried to reflect on it, to piece things together - I'll post it up soon, but I'm pretty sure it will sound like a mess.

The week following that I went back into the lab instead of resting. I shouldn't have done that. But there were some interesting results, so I guess it was sort of worth it. Mark made some interesting (true), yet slightly shocking comments. Then Uni started again. For two weeks I worked on the Hui speech and presentation. Cherrie Kong - international speaker, "Taking IT Global". What does that mean? I don't know. Audience - 100 Year 13 students? O.K. Had I ever presented to my peers before (in such number)? No. Had I always doubted my 'representation' of youth and this 'Net' generation? Yes. Inspire them? I'll try. Do I know anything? No - so make yourself the subject matter...O.K. But I don't want it to be about me... O.K. So I talked to heaps of friends about what they would like to see and talked to my sister as well, because apparently Uni students are a different breed altogether and apparently I use difficult words like 'congruence'. I should've spent less time on the presentation, but I couldn't stop thinking about it because I saw it as a HUGE thing - this is affecting the future generations directly - 100 youth all at once. Yet I'm all about personalisation - everyone needs a different message. How many can I fit in? All my previous 'speaking engagements' have been towards decision-makers...I didn't care about the Prime Minister of whatever country as much as I cared about getting the right message across for this. Why? I'm not sure - probably because I saw these 'kids' as being smarter... haha. Smarter, but definitely more malleable and open. So I had to very careful with what I say. I know, because I'm still child-like in that sense. I too am very easily affected by what people say, even when I know they're saying something stupid.

Anyhow, on coming to Wellington I suddenly found out that the speech I had been writing FOR STUDENTS, had to changed somewhat because there were other people going to be there. What? Other people? *sigh* -- did they want to hear the same old stuff again? I'm a constantly changing person, I really don't like saying the same old stuff again, whether or not I still believe it. Although I will - for the win-win ;). On coming to Wellington I was really tired. On coming to Wellington, I had way too many things on my mind.

The event: Well, I had no idea what to expect - the gear was definitely way flasher than I expected. It was colder than I expected. I expected it to be more cosy. The bright lights glaring at the 'stage' really set the audience apart from the speaker. It also meant that I couldn't see a bloody thing from where I was standing - I sort of hate that because then I can't see anyone's facial expression (except for the very front row). But I guess that could also be a good thing?!

I had rewritten chunks of my speech that Wednesday morning. (Why not Tuesday I hear you say? I couldn't handle the jandal, frankly). Fresh off the press (HP 1200), I rushed off the Wellington College and got there at about 11:30am. I'd grabbed Tiff's ASUS with all my stuff, which was super handy. Had added the extra code to Firefox to force tab opening. Sweet. The tech people were great and got my gear sorted. The Tech Crew boys were also super nice (so what, that abolishes the 'Coll boy' reputation? Haha) and pretty easy to get along with. Mind you, I sent some of them an email the other day and have yet to receive a reply. ACTUALLY, I sent off heaps of emails on Thursday night and have yet to receive any replies (except for David Murray, THANK YOU.) Mr. Pallin (Pallinator 2) was also there and he was lovely as per usual. I can't remember now, why I was so afraid of him before. He is so nice. Meh - I'm scared of everyone. Anyway, so the people there at this time were: Tech Crew, John, Raewyn, Olivia, Mike, Neil, Simon (from Contact). It was pretty cool - everyone got along really well (so I thought, anyway). The atmosphere was buzzing and it was great. People started arriving at 12:30pm ish I guess and that was also cool - Tech Angels in force in their "I (HEART) IT" tshirts (seriously guys, why don't I have one...), Ratty (it's our endearment, for those who aren't in the loop) was there too and that SOO excellent - she is just so lovely and I asked her about the Tech Angels and she seemed to have answers that I found more than adequate which was GREAT...i.e. she didn't avoid the question and give me some bull answer, not that I expected it, but sometimes people do that. I (re)met Airini, Raewyn's friend, who was ALSO super nice - unfortunate that we work at opposite ends of the Uni campus... well, different campuses really... I think we talked about my 'future career' plans and she said something interesting about how it was good my decision-making was a balance between intuition and information... which was a shocker to me because I hadn't realised that. I sort of thought I fell in the information box (although I have been trying to listen to my instincts more for a few years now...). Anyway, I wanted to ask about what she was doing, but 1) I never know when I'm intruding, 2) David came in a that point and distracted me I think....well, I wanted to see what he was talking about to make sure we didn't clash (David and I are tight, yo). There were other people who I'm sure I'd met before somewhere, but can't quite recall at this moment. I met Mrs Herrick, who I am SURE I've met somewhere before. Maybe Prizegiving or something? Anyway, everyone was just so blimmin' awesome and lovely, it was pretty cool. Oh, Rachel from NZCER was there (worrrd) and also David and Jill from CWA. Didn't talk to Jill (although she seems to type really fast and I'm wondering if the typing noises are on the videos...hahah), but David's always super cool as per usual.

The event started at 12:45pm. Matt Heard was the MC. I wonder if he's a debater or not, because he seems to have the Coll Boy debator 'air', which is a confidence in public-speaking 'air' and us Welly Girls don't seem to have mastered. *shudder at the last debate we had against Coll...* David and Simon went first (and I'm really sorry to David and Simon - I can't remember a lot of your speech because I had JUST discovered I'd lost a page of my speech and was busy trying to remember it all and then finally giving that up and borrowing Neil's laptop to grab it from Gmail...), but yay for 'be crappy'... hahah. Then it was mine and then it was Neil's. While I was up there, I forgot the time completely and couldn't work out if I was overtime or not. And I'm also a bit miffed at the fact that I was showing people all that groovy internet stuff at the end and then found out later that people were really interested in what Neil had to say about RSS, meaning they had no idea what I was talking about when I was talking about those technologies. Hmm. I just assumed they knew. Argh, what an ass, Cherrie! Then it was a break I think, where everyone got lunch boxes, which was SUPER cool because I hadn't had a lunchbox in like, 4 years. Oh yeah, after my speech I ran to the bathroom and I'd left the microphone on!!! What an ass!!! Sorry techy guy. I hope you don't have nightmares. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to see the student's presentations, which I'm a bit miffed about because I really wanted to see them and get a chance to chat with them. But Neil and I had to 'plan' the forum... I personally thought it was going to be a relaxed thing (coz I'm pretty quick with coming up with questions on the spot), but I'm glad Neil wanted a more structured and planned thing because by the time the actual forum came I was really tired and hadn't had lunch and I was just really happy he was doing the whole thing. But during the forum, there was a sort of bidding war for me and Neil and it was totally weird - I thought it was a weird way to stall for time, but nonetheless at least it's over now. I should probably say that none of the bids were real because I have yet to hear from anyone. Oh. What. A. Surprise. (yes, I'm still bitter at ALL THOSE PEOPLE who I have met in the past who have mentioned things that to them were 'in passing', but to me was the real deal - so stop your manipulatin'!) Then later, Natcoll had a presentation thing and then David did an intro for Murray Brown, which was pretty cool. I particularly enjoyed the phrase "Flickr - will it stay or will it flick out?" He is ALSO super nice, but he's still in the 'I'm scared of you' box. After the whole shadding thing (oh, also gave out those mouse pads and bookmarks some time...) there was more food, which unfortunately I didn't get a lot of (it's weird - no food in flat, go home where there's heaps of food, then be given free food at events in Wellington... ). BUT I did get some free lightbulbs!!! WOOHOO! Seriously. I want more. No I am SERIOUS. They're like $5.99 each from Foodtown. I am so serious... and they are more efficient than that other crappy brand that exists. Oh, also thank you everyone for the other gifts. Most unnecessary, but thank you very much nonetheless and I am very grateful for your thoughts.

Oh, Pallinator 1 was also there, so that was so great - hadn't seen her in ages! Apparently she's related to Howard G. Seriously, is your name Howard G or am I gettiing mixed up with the Backstreet Boys?

John drove Tiff and I home, which was great - thank you for that also and for every calm moment you bring in my life.

The aftermath: So it was a great day with many laughs. That's been said. It was also great for me to see the response of the students - the people I am supposed to have represented for years. I am glad to have been able to give something back to them - a little inspiration, a little support. I hope that it was worthwhile. The last thing I would want to do is to talk about me and not have it relate to them. The second to last thing I would want to do is to overwhelm them. But getting that little bit of feedback was great and it reminds me of why I do what I do - we have to educate the children and also rid them of sickness. Children and families and communities. Anyway, so that was effect one. Glad it was an inspirational thing both ways. But I also want to make sure that apart from being inspirational, I hope I emphasised the importance on reflecting on who you are and the reasons why you are doing the things you do.

The second outcome had a more pronounced remedial effect on my previous predicaments. Writing the speech was definitely a great reflection, a great search, a great feat to do on my own beyond many many standards. It put me in a rut because I was so confused. But having written my speech and having admitted to the rut, I was sort of primed for recovery. I was just looking for the right time to absorb. Now, this Tech Hui scenario - it is unique. There were people here who I've known really well for almost a lifetime to since 2003 to recently. But the bulk of whom I met during my Tech Angel year and whom I've become friends with (so I like to think...remember I'm an all-or-nothing type of gal, I don't know what acquaintance means). So these are the people who have been a part of my 'radical' change, who have been there to help me in one way or another - whether it be emotional support or advice for various situations or someone who'd listen or someone with whom to have cool discussions with. It was a 'radical' change in that I began to express my opinion. These people will no doubt sense this change and the changes in opinion over the years. Seeing all these friends, these smiling faces all at once immediately brought back so much meaning, relevance and a feeling of groundedness. I am so grateful for these people. It made me incredibly happy and humbled to know these people and to get time with them. These are awesome people. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

Once again, I know I am always really hard on myself, which is why I get into strife. But it's also why I continue to push on and improve (hopefully). So I also have to be grateful for the fact that I can take (often unexpected events) such joy and such great lessons from life. So much about being a human being is to do with feeling uncertain about yourself and the rest of the world and how these two things are connected. It's almost unavoidable to feel disconnected sometimes when you're confused, weary and low in confidence. So many things you try will fail. You'll meet so many people. Cherrie, learn to embrace these people - you won't regret it.