OK, I was going to close this blog for good - partly because MC suggested I should and partly because I felt that I couldn't really talk about anything that was on my mind on here anymore. But then I figured, hey - I've thought these things through, so I might as well stick it up here for future reference or, maybe hey, someone else might actually find it useful, whether for its strings or gaps.
Lately, I've feeling really bad about myself and confused over balancing the Fid and experiencing life, with
- severe doubts over my aptitude as a scientist/intelligent person
- some anxiety over my close-to-absent social life and loneliness
Not that I'm just sitting here, worrying and doing nothing. I'm trying to do things for both the PhD and my social life, but whether or not these efforts will bear fruit remains to be seen.
So, even this morning, I was thinking,
- am I able to do this? why am I doing this? maybe I should settle for something "less" and stop trying to be something (i.e. smart and creative) that I am not
- maybe being labelled as smart was causing me to put extra pressure on myself?
- maybe all the signs up until now have been wrong - I've just 'hacked' my way through the system, appearing 'smart'
- I feel left out of the lab circle because my intellectual-potential is no longer seen as on par
- why don't I share my ideas as much anymore? what use are they in my book?
- do I feel left out because I am female?
- why do I feel bad about being female?
- why do I worry so much? is this good or just a waste of time?
- is this my weakness, my Achille's heel? will my self-doubt limit my progress?
- personally - ugly, ignorant, inexperienced, intimidating/aloof, eccentric
- why does my timidness result in others thinking I'm aloof?
- why do I have no close relationships?
- why do I not trust people and how is it that I am gullible at the same time?
But it's sort of like, well, if I'm really
that useless, then I might as well be dead.
And I'm not dead.
And I don't want to be dead.
So, today my mind rearranged itself (without much conscious effort from me, thank goodness):
- given that I am the way that I am, it's basically a miracle that the lab hasn't kicked me out yet (thank god, I probably wouldn't do a PhD anywhere else)
- also, it has sort of been me kicking myself out
- I need to stop being scared
- despite my deficiencies, everyone is so willing to help and I am grateful for that
- at least there is a hope that I will be smart one day (better than no hope)
- at least my friends are still with me, even though I don't have much time for them
- and sometimes I'm friendly, because I forget to be self-conscious
- and sometimes I'm cold because I suddenly feel extreme fear of the outside world
- at least there is a hope that one day I won't feel like such an alien here
- at least I can still laugh at myself
Well, I'm glad I've sort of figured this out (again). I was feeling like there was no-one to talk to and I didn't want to blog about either because it was just so full of self-pity, confused thoughts/feelings and none of that is useful. I guess for some reason I thought I'd be resistant to this sort of self-doubt and self-denial of faith in oneself. I thought that because I'd been there before (long-term feelings of being unwanted and undeserving, as well as rapid drops in self-confidence/rises in self-doubt/paranoia), I'd be able to handle it easily. I guess I didn't really think that through - how
was I going to handle it? I am not
resistant, I
still have to deal with it. So, I guess last time(s) I dealt with it by changing my perspective.
Sometimes I wonder whether that's just fooling myself. Maybe AB was right afterall with her horrified reaction to my choosing Science. But then people only judge by comparing with their understanding of their experiences and themselves. Some people tell me I am meticulous, prompt, logical/analytical, cold or calm under stressful situations, while some people tell me I have my head in the clouds, a free spirit, am creative, warm or a drama queen. Sometimes I think, 'what does it matter why non-parametric is different to parametric? what does it matter that different people prefer different programming languages?' but then sometimes I get that buzz from asking, 'which is more efficient/precise/accurate?
why is it like that? yes or no or maybe? by how much? how about this? how about that?'
So, in summary:
- stop being nervous
- keep trying
- remember to be grateful
- stop drinking coffee
- get some freaking sleep
True what AC said, "Cherrie, just relax and you will fly through" and BC with Queen Kong conquering 'WGC', 'varsity', 'the world' and 'happiness'. How sweet and teaching me with words written... 5 years ago. Shit, I've been away from home for 5 years. I guess the biggest thing I miss about that is constantly chasing my Mum for hugs, after learning (at16, 17?) that I could actually hug my parents.
Well, on my way to buy apples (because you know I love apples), I looked up at the starless (city) sky and saw the crescent moon smiling. How appropriate!
I guess one day I'll feel like all of this,
this experience, is mine. But my intrinsic liberal nature has never really owned anything, has it?
